Maladaptive Daydreaming
I didn’t write consecutive entries this week. I scribbled stuff on sticky notes, and stuff in my diaries, and stuff on loose receipts and scrap paper, and stuff on my laptop, and stuff in my notes app, and stuff in my voice memos, and willed myself to remember the stuff in my brain. So this is that. I was frazzled! I’ve had a frazzled week of running around and living and feeling in over my head, while completing very manageable tasks in retrospect. Someone recently commented on one of my blogs: I love how much of a noticer you are.
A noticer. Wow. I’ve never thought of myself in that way. I feel like especially when I am in moments like this- feeling all frazzled and in over my head, I attempt to do the opposite of noticing. I want things to go over my head, I want to live by the mantra ignorance is bliss, I want to distract my brain and squeeze my eyes shut and plug my ears and plug my nose and hold my breath and stop my senses from receiving anymore information than they can handle from the outside world. Oftentimes I’m making futile attempts in an effort to not notice, it seems. But I can’t escape noticing.
Sitting in Boy Roommates king sized room as I type this out. I’m halfway moved in. The other half of my junk is still strewn around my twin sized room ten feet away. My clothes & dresser are in my new room, my little knick knacks and misc. items are scattered in disarray in my old room. Girl Roommate moves in in exactly 48 hours and I am horribly unprepared. I’ve made plans to hang out with Ruby at noon today, but I probably should finish getting my shit together instead. I don’t want to get my shit together instead! I WANT TO PROCRASTINATE and play with my friend. Please World? Feeling: overwhelmed, overwhelmed, OVERWHELMED. New job, new roommate, new living situation, this new friendship with Amelie, my New Life. So much new!
I’ve lived so much life this week and documented ten percent of it because I got overwhelmed from all the living. Well, then I got overwhelmed about the idea of: is it inappropriate to document everything, everything? A little bit. But I think I am okay with being a little bit inappropriate. Just a little. Well okay. Let’s see. I stopped Performing Anonymous Tasks at an Anonymous Location for Unnamed Reasons. Not even going to get into that storyline. We are leaving it totally as it is, with all her loose ends. BUT. I then started performing new Anonymous Tasks at a new Anonymous Location, that I probably won’t get into, at least not right now. I like new Anonymous Location. New Anonymous Location cold called me out of the blue and said “Can you be here tomorrow?” So now tomorrow was last week and it’s now been eight days of being here, in tomorrow. I am enjoying myself being here. Tomorrow became yesterday and yesterday became today and today is where I am at, me and everyone else it seems.
Sometime Last Week
I am so excited about my soon to be new room. I originally believed that his room & mine were the same sizes, but now that my things are here in his - including my new massive bed, there is still so much more space! Discovered that his room is bigger by two feet. Two feet! This makes miles of a difference in a teeny tiny New York apartment.
two feet,
two beautiful windows where the sun shines through just right,
two times the charm.
Boy Roommate let me keep his bedding & it’s this adorable green & pink patchwork quilt that I have quickly fallen in love with. Thank you Boy Roommate! Well, Ex Boy Roommate now.
This week I would like to:
Pick up my mail from the Bed Stuy sublet guy, the task I have been procrastinating for a month now.
Actually respond to all the messages I got about April Trip, because I got overwhelmed from how many responses I got, so now I am just ignoring everyone. Being annoying. Responded to half and sent them my phone number but then didn’t respond to those texts. Being annoying. Will eventually, but eventually is not today because today I am being annoying and procrastinating. Maybe tomorrow?
Live in the present, live in the present, live in the present!
Fully move into Boy Roommates room & out of mine
Get my room fully ready for Girl Roommate to reside in.
Have a perfect first week of my New Life.
Not freak out from all the changes. I have a hard time with change, but ideally I would like to change this about myself. Ha ha.
New job is going much better than I imagined it would. I texted Mila and Ellis after my first day to update them, and Mila texted me to pleaseeee put her on so now I am going to put her on & tomorrow she is walking into my new job with her resume in hand and a grin on her face, to request that they hire her as well. This could be major. Mila & I being coworkers. Um, yes please. This idea makes me feel like a character in the movie Parasite.
I need to: go to the grocery store (not actually), go to the bank (actually), do my laundry (actually needed to do last week), respond to the people who messaged me about train trip (needed to do last, last, week). Will complete these tasks in opposite order of priority, as I do.
Decided to stop into the overpriced grocery store in my neighborhood after work. Going in blind! Unsure of what I want, but I am going to let the stores energy decide for me. Nothing sounds right, but ideally I would like to procure a fun beverage. Typing this as I walk in slow motion down every aisle. So far I have picked up: a container of pitted dates, a bottle of kombucha, a bottle of sparkling water, a block of tofu. Headphones shoved in my ears & I am listening to Jude’s band at an inappropriate volume because I am a teeny bit homesick, as per usual. Fantasizing about my slow Florida life anchors me when everything feels all chaotic and ever changing here in New York.
Placed the bottle of sparkling water on the checkout counter and the sweet teenaged cashier shyly asked me for my ID. I told her it was sparkling water and she opened her eyes real wide in amazement, scanning the barcode to see for herself. We both started giggling real hard, and she slapped her hand over her mouth that formed an O in surprise. Her fingers had these sparkly stiletto shaped press ons that were so cute and so teenage girl. Adorable interaction. I’m adding sparkling water to my grocery arsenal this week, to get as much H2O into my system as possible. I am still feeling horribly dehydrated & like a million cracked shards of porcelain poorly taped back together. Hoping this dehydration is just a result of living in a new climate in the dead of winter and not like, I dunno. Leukemia.
Leaving the grocery store now with: a block of gouda cheese, a whole rotisserie chicken (put down my tofu and picked this up instead), pitted dates, a container of split pea soup, a bottle of lemon ginger kombucha, a bottle of lime flavored sparkling water, and a sleeve of rice cakes. Came home and poured my sparkling water over ice, cleared the sink of the dishes, and ate two chocolate covered strawberries while packing up tonights Depop orders.
Now I am going to wash my face and brush my teeth and edit until my eyes fall heavy, to do it all over again tomorrow. Life looks so different from just one week ago today. Went to Philly, cleared my head, and parted the clouds. Excited for my new routine. One more week until Boy Roommates room is all mine!
Next Day
10:14 am. Have been so phone-locked all morning. Feeling anxious about all the tasks I need to complete this week, this month, this year, this life, so I have been sedating myself with Instagram Reels to attempt to numb my brain from these bad feelings. I want to feel good! Sedating myself with Instagram Reel scrolling is my worst vice. Also arguably my most embarrassing vice. I think it’s worse than vaping. Phone Scrolling has been at an all time high this week because I am anxious about all the New.
Later that evening
Currently on the way to hang out with Amelie, Ruby, & our friend Alice at Carmelo’s- a dive bar in Bushwick. Carmelo’s is kinda universally hated but kinda my pitch to hang out here tonight. Well, we’re actually meeting at a classy wine bar called Cherry On Top (their idea), but I think I can convince them to transition to Carmelo’s afterwards, so I am typing that we are going to Carmelo’s because I want to get what I want. Manifesting. I want a big ole’ beer and a bad dive bar and the company of my new friendships. It’s raining and my hair looks like shit. UGH.
A round of wine later & we are leaving Cherry On Top and walking over to Carmelo’s, just as I had predicted. Love when I get exactly what I want! Immediately after walking through the dingy red doors, Amelie ran into her ex’s ex, and the two of them chatted for ages. You never know what’s waiting for you behind the stupid red Carmelo’s doors!
Feeling nice. Feeling grateful for these newfound friendships that feel so right. All this new feels so right but it doesn’t stop the lump in my throat from all the change.
Next Day
Rushing into the train hall & my perfect neighbor opened the gate for me, “Come through sweetie.” Waving me forward with an unlit cigarette placed haphazardly between her lips. I love my neighborhood.
Today I really want to stop into the Muji store. I want cute homeware and stationary and a cute new stainless steel coffee cup that I saw on their website that I’ve decided that I just have to have right now in this exact moment.
Purchased: A new hairbrush, the coffee cup I wanted, and a new notebook with both lined & blank pages.
Clocked in at New Job post Muji store excursion & Mila came in a few hours later to have her interview. Texted her beforehand to “be OD with the smile on your face & the sparkle in your eye” and she did exactly that.
Finally polished off my copy of Beloved by Toni Morrison. Took me long enough! Enjoyed this more than The Bluest Eye. Maybe enjoyed is not the right word because I cried & felt pretty horrified, but a very gorgeous read indeed. I’ve never read writing as pretty as hers. Every word is so intentional.
Re- reading Wuthering Heights. My paperback is massacred with embarrassing annotations from when I read this book in college. Flipped through it and had to immediately put it down and open my laptop and start reading the PDF version instead because WOW. The way teenage me took this in is completely different to how adult me does.
Really need to edit. Really don’t want to. Procrastinating editing by typing this out in my notes instead: Don’t want to, don’t want to, don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to edit, I don’t want to edit, I really don’t want to edit. Okay. Going to edit now. Had to let that one out.
I’ll be fine once I am in the zone, it’s just the getting in the zone part that feels absolutely impossible.
Did it! Pressed upload and cathartically wiped my laptop clean of this weeks footage, only to immediately import my new footage! It never ends!
Just paid the three dollar fare for a girl at the train station ‘cause the MTA employee was fiercely guarding the door, and the girl was just standing there helplessly trapped since her card kept getting declined. Saw her struggling, then proceeded to ignore her, pay for myself to walk through, took a step forward, and then changed my mind at the last second and waved her through instead. Can full acknowledge that I did this solely in an effort to acquire good karma points for the day, and not out of true altruism. I like to tell myself that acting in altruistic ways for selfish purposes still does more good than harm.
My phone is on 22%, my headphones are dead, my laptop is dead, and I am on the train into the city, heading to a Pret with one charging cable on my person to split between these three devices. It’ll be fine! I don’t know why I do not charge my devices. I refuse. I don’t refuse, I just don’t care to and then I am just always walking around with all of my devices on the red. Whatever. Maybe it’s a sign that I need to be more unplugged. Maybe not everything is a sign. I woke up this morning and started googling flip phones. Light phones. Maybe bricking my phone. Leaning mostly towards purchasing a light phone, which are these non-phone phones that let you call and text and map and notes app and listen to music and not much else. Intrigued by this. Only qualm to me on hitting purchase is that if I trade out my iPhone for a Light Phone, my texts would then be green. No thanks. Being vain to be vain, even with regards to IPHONE TEXTING. I dunno. I wish I had a cooler vice. Addicted to my evil iPhone. Addicted to being vain. My evil iPhone is essentially a character in my story, the way it is just always there. Severe codependent relationship. I want to break up with my evil iPhone. I’m nervous about the idea of going unplugged, because I think my friends would probably forget that I exist, and I am insecurely attached to everyone I love. Thinking about my friend Mary, who is completely unplugged. I should text her. She has no social media, but she’s never had it her entire life- it’s just never interested her. Amazing & fascinating & she is kinda the best ever. I want to be kinda the best ever & maybe I can achieve this by getting rid of my evil iPhone.
Last night I hung out with Mila, Lyn, & Ellis. We went to a show and saw one of their REDACTED’s. I have no relation to this redacted but it was interesting to watch everyone avoid eye contact and purse their lips. Going home we did that thing where you travel through the train cars, opening the doors and walking from car to car. Felt like both a badass and a major cornball. Mixed emotions but it made my heart race & race.
9:33 am I am heading into the city to complete my laptop chores of the day. Wish I ate a chicken & cheese quesadilla before I left. Wish I did not feel so grotesque and gargantuan right now because I REALLY want a chicken & cheese quesadilla but I am not letting myself do that. I feel self conscious typing these thoughts out on this crowded train car. Anyways I wish I ate a chicken & cheese quesadilla and I am fantasizing about it now, but if I eat a piece of cheese today I am going to accidentally eat the whole block. Or something like that. So I am not allowed to do that.
I’m canceling my Pret membership, it was kinda pointless. I don’t live close enough to one to justify it, and forcing myself into the city when I need caffeine in my close proximity immediately upon awaking does not work for me. My head hurts and I am being a baby. Need my iced oat milk latte right now, right now, right now! Why the hell did I purchase a coffee membership at a coffee shop a million miles away from my home!
I really hope that I do actually get good karma for paying for that girls train fare, because it’s like I just bought a real coffee at this point. Six dollars down the drain. Gross. I am just paying for a full price Pret coffee with this notion. GROSS. And their coffee is like, whatever. Actually I don’t hate it. It’s bad in a good way.
Sitting shoulder to shoulder with a girl with gorgeous raspberry pink hair and she is making me miss my pink hair. Bored of my hair. Bored of my bangs. Maybe pink hair and throwing away my evil iPhone is in my cards for the future. We’ll see.
10 am. Nursing an iced oat milk latte that has three pumps of caramel in it even though I did not ask for caramel. They can’t do anything right at Pret, but I served my time as a bad barista too, so it’s kinda hard for me to gaf. Give me caramel, give me a hot latte instead of iced, burn the milk, literally whatever. Serving the general public can be kinda the worst, so whatever I receive I will usually take with no complaints.
Feeling: dumb and frozen right now. I don’t want to do anything but things need to be done! It’s already almost noon and I have yet to do anything useful. Scrolling on my evil iPhone, scrolling on Pinterest, scrolling on Spotify, stalking my friends on Find My Friends, stalking my friends on Venmo. Sitting around and scrolling my day away.
Feeling: dumb & frozen, dumb & frozen, paralyzed and frozen, rocks in my brain & frozen, frozen, frozen, frozen!
It is 10 pm and I am gallery hopping with Ruby & A-a-amelieeee now.
Stuffed a White Claw in my purse and then another in my pocket when no one was looking because I’m a klepto and galleries have free drinks and now there is a grapefruit flavored White Claw in my purse, a lime White Claw in my pocket, and two Pabst Blue Ribbons from the previous gallery we went to, swimming in my purse.
Walking to a new gallery and talking to them about my April trip. Amelie goes, “Okay have fun, BUT. Whatever you do, don’t stay with a girl named Rebecca who lives somewhere in Pennsylvania, I don’t remember where! But if a girl named Rebecca who lives in Pennsylvania offers to host you, say no!” I paused, taking this in. “Amelie... out of any girl, in any state who would reach out about hosting me, how would it possibly be your one random friend in Pennsylvania?” Straight faced, she responded, “No, that’s the thing! We’re not friends, so don’t stay with her. I just have a feeling, is the thing.” Made eye contact with Ruby in disbelief and the three of us burst out in unison in the breathless, wheezing laughter we like to do together.
A girl from my hometown who I barely know has randomly popped into my head out of nowhere. Not really sure why I am thinking so much about this girl I have met a handful of times in passing, but I had such a strong urge to message her, so without overthinking it, I Instagram DM’d her: “Random as hell but I was just thinking of you and wanted to see how you are doing”
She responded with the news that: two hours before my message, she received a surprise job offer in New York.
KISMET! Wow. What the hell World.
It’s beautiful out today. Not in the mood to wear headphones, I just want to walk and observe, walk and observe, it’s so hard to see everything when I cannot hear. Hearing the birds chirping away makes me notice the vines crawling up the brick walls. Hearing cars swoosh by makes me notice the different designs on everyone’s doors.
My train is down!!! Again!!! It’s okay, but holy shit. Caution tape is wrapped around the entrance. Well, now I am walking to the other train that is a bit more reliable but a bit more of an inconvenience being a much farther walk away. This is okay because I’m feeling grateful and blessed and just a bit superstitious from the messages I’ve exchanged with the girl from my hometown. It’s gotta mean something, right?
“Can you open the gate?” I called out to the man pacing around on an intense phone call at the next train station. He looked both ways for the clear, nodded his head at me and pushed it open without a word. “Thank you!” “Of course dear.” That was nice. My neighborhood is pleasant-interactions-central.
A man just sat next to me despite there being plenty of open seating elsewhere. Ugh
Should I be rude and move myself to an aforementioned open seat? No, it’s fine I’ll stay put. He’s awkwardly twiddling his thumbs and playing with the wires of his headphones. Whatever. Going to read more Wuthering Heights now.
Directly from my notes:
Got up and finally got a good look at him and he’s baddddd.
Well ok not bad just tall.
Transferred to my next train, where everyone is packed in like sardines. I have an ideal standing spot with a big air pocket right at the corner by the door exit, for an easy escape. It’s hellish when you’re packed in and stuck in the middle of the car trying to squeeze through the crowds towards the exit. I need another coffee. Thinking about the perfect cup I drank this morning that tasted infinitely better than usual because I drank it out of my new Muji cup that I have become emotionally attached to. It’s perfect. It makes me excited to wake up every morning and drink my coffee. Who knew a stupid twenty two dollar cup could bring one so much joy.
Next Day
Good morning World. My last day waking up in this room, I believe. This morning I have: popped my contacts into my eyeballs. Swallowed: 1 multi vitamin, 1 vitamin c capsule, 1 shot of ACV. Ignoring my 2 maca vitamins because I can’t tell if they’re not working for my body, but I think they don’t make me feel good. These vitamins are also just annoying because they’re the chewable kind and not a swallow & move on with your life typa vitamin, and the act of chewing for 30 seconds sounds like too impossible of a grievance to bear, no matter the benefits. So I just haven’t really been taking them much. Miss my ashwagandha vitamins. Should acquire more. Brewed a double shot of espresso over ice with a splash of hazelnut cream, my new at home coffee order. Delish.
Brushed my teeth & splashed water on my face & did a lazy attempt of draining my lymph nodes by running my knuckles along my jaw. Face feels puffy and brittle. Slathering myself in aquaphor & la roche posay moisturizer. Drinking a mason jar of Brita water.
Time to begin the laborious task of moving my things into Boy Roommates room now! It’s time. Well, yesterday was time, but today will work too.
Going to press play on Sword II to listen on repeat to get in the zone. Pressed play & immediately pressed pause because I have officially listened to this album into the ground and am feeling sick of it. Hate when I do this. I always overdo it.
Pressed play on Fiona Apple’s discography instead. Being nostalgic. Listening to the music I played into the ground years prior as a pallet cleanser. Fiona Apple, Cocteau Twins, Alex G. The classics. Taking a sweet trip down memory lane!
Began moving my clothes over, until the Clairo blasting in my headphones got interrupted with a cold call from Jude. Sweet Jude. I’m so happy that we’ve remained close friends after redacted events occurred in our lives in tandem last summer. Jude called me with the news that they have to cut their sublet stay in my apartment short, because they got asked to go on tour for the first half of when they were originally going to be here in April, and it’s an offer too good for them to refuse. We brainstormed the idea of Addie potentially staying in my vacant room while Jude is away on tour.
I told them that I’d like to come home soon for a few days, maybe at the end of April, but it probably wouldn’t line up with our schedules. They joked, “Well if it doesn’t line up, you could always stay with my parents!” We burst out in laughter and they continued, “They love you!” I replied, “I love them!”
“Okay well, I’m gonna go.”
“Okay.”
“It was nice to talk to you. I miss you.”
“I miss you more. I really hope I do get to see you soon. We’ll figure something out.”
“I think, yeah. Yeah, we’ll make it work. We have to.”
“Hey, we have all the time in the world.”
“Yeah…. Yeah!” They did not sound too convinced.
Stripped my bedding of my disgusting blood stained sheets and tossed those in the trash. Took the new bedding to the laundromat and swept all of my hairballs off the floor, windex-ing my desk & window. Took down my door collage. Took out the trash. Folded and put away the clean linens, and did a second load of laundry while I ate two pieces of buttered toast with nutritional yeast sprinkled on top. Did the dishes toppling over in the sink, switched my laundry from the washer to the dryer, and speed walked to drop off my Depop packages before the post office closes for the night. Came home and ate another piece of buttered toast. Folded and put away my second round of laundry and inspected my now empty room. Need to patch up the holes in the walls and swiffer the floors, but she is almost good as new.
Tasks are complete! Going to shower & lie in bed in repose & press play on an episode of Dawson’s Creek now. Told Boy Roommate that I am going to take a shower in case he needs the bathroom first and he replied, “While you’re in there can you hang up the new shower curtain liner” NOOOO MORE TASKS NO MORE TASKS I WANT TO LIE IN BED IN REPOSE AND IGNORE THE TASKS I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING (editing blog, editing vlog).
Hung up the liner in thirty seconds with minimal effort, but not before bitching and moaning in my head for five minutes.
Stood under the shower head with tears of frustration welled up in my eyes and am now curled up in my new bed with soaking wet hair, scrolling on my evil iPhone. Have not opened my laptop to press play on Dawson’s Creek because I want to lay here paralyzed and sedated instead.
It is now midnight and instead of being lulled into a deep slumber, I am wide awake being nosy on my iPhone, as I do. Deep diving James Baldwin on Wikipedia & Reddit because I am about to start reading his book, Giovanni’s Room.
Read that he: “became listless and unstable, drifting from one odd job to the next. Baldwin drank heavily and endured the first of his nervous breakdowns.”
Think him & I are kindred spirits in this sense.
I just would like to be moored to memory lane. Memory lane, where everything is happy and bright and cherry picked to perfection, and the bad things are lost and forgotten to the passing of time. Pulling out my old diary to indulge in this fantasy. I don’t like to document the bad because I don’t want it to be memorialized as truth. If I pretend the bad does not exist, then perhaps with time maybe it never really did exist.
Sitting in my new room and holding my 2022 journal in my hands. Being nostalgic. Listening to Cocteau Twins and being nostalgic, yes I am. 2022 me glued a magazine cutout of a hand holding a “personal and confidential” sign to the front inside cover. Adorable. This journal is so cute, what the hell. Pretty maroon velvet with a pink and cream floral binding. I think I purchased it at a Barnes and Noble for like ten bucks. Purchased it the day I moved into the Florida Bungalow with Ex Boy Roommates.
First Entry: 4/6/22: The New Apartment
It’s the first official week of living in my new apartment with Boy Roommates 1 & 2 and I am just terrified! Huge change. Exciting change. Terrifying change. I’m ecstatic, just overwhelmed. I really hope this works out. This is my first ever “real apartment.”No strange roommates, not in a big college-y apartment complex, just my beautiful one bedroom home all to myself, directly in walking distance to downtown, my favorite coffee shop a 10 minute drive away, and two of my favorite people 10 feet away. Boy Roommates 1 & 2 are the perfect two people to share my first home with. I’ve practically grown up with Boy Roomate 1. I’ve known him since we were 14 and he is the longest friendship I’ve managed to maintain, so he’s very special to me. I really look up to both of them, but living with ‘em these past few days I’m like, okay. They’re just normal people! And I’m a normal girl! Three normal people who will now share a house for the rest of the year. How nice.
I am currently laying in bed - the only piece of furniture I have assembled in my apartment so far. Everything else is neatly laid out on the floor to be assembled, maybe tomorrow after class. I have brown hair dye soaking in my hair with a plastic bag to cover it. I look kinda ridiculous and am praying that they do not come knocking on my door while I am in this ridiculous looking state. I am trying to do some damage control before Boy Roommate 1’s art exhibit, because I want to look pretty. I want to dye my hair and pluck my eyebrows and pick out the perfect outfit. Earlier we hung out on their side of the house. Boy roommate 2 smoked three cigarettes on the porch in succession, before we went inside and he plopped down into his recliner to binge watch Sex and The City. I sat on the sofa half paying attention, half doing my English Lit assignment due tonight. We are reading Wuthering Heights in class but I think it’s kinda a drag. Boy roommate 1 is sat at his desk a room away, preparing on stuff for his exhibit. He has a painting being showcased at the gallery downtown! This is my school schedule this semester:
Monday/ Wednesday
ENL 2022 - English Literature II
9:30 am - 10:20 am
Tuesday
PUR 4000 - Public Relations
12:00 pm - 1:15 pm
Tuesday/ Thursday
MMC 3200 - Mass Communication Law
1:30 pm - 2:50 pm
Tuesday
ADV 3008 - Principles of Advertising
3:00 pm - 4:20 pm
Things I need to do today.
I need to do my laundry. I need to take a long shower. I need to go on a run. I need to go to my storage unit and grab the last of my furniture. I need to respond to my emails. I need to clean out my closet. I am overwhelmed from all the different emotions I am feeling in this transitional period of my life.
Can’t get out of bed. On my period. Want to just bleed out through my favorite pajama shorts onto my new floral sheets because I cannot will myself to get up and shove a tampon in right now. No that sounds actually impossible. I am so gross. The idea of doing anything but laying here immobilized sounds inconceivable. I am sweaty and trembly and probably smell bad and my scalp is flaky and the sun will soon be setting! I fell asleep at 7 pm last night!!! The sun was still out when my eyes squeezed shut.
I find it difficult to even begin to work on tasks because I am terrified of others being able to see my mediocracy. Like if I can keep that part of myself hidden, then no one will be none the wiser on if I am actually artistically capable or not. I idolize the people in my life right now so much, but in actuality they are just braver than me in their ability to go out and even showcase their talents. I want to be brave, I want to be brave, I want to be brave, I want to be brave.
My professor posted this on our discussion board today: “You have to surrender to your mediocracy and just write. Because it’s hard, really hard, to write even a crappy book. But it’s better to write a book that kind of sucks rather than no book at all, as you wait around to magically become Faulkner. No one is going to write your book for you, and you can’t write anybody’s book but your own.” Okay true. Ugh.
My life feels like an endless loop of this same story. Last night I hosted a housewarming and it felt so nerve-wracking. It actually ended up being really good, I think. I’ve never planned anything before but I had a few friends over in the backyard and it was nice.
Did a load of laundry & washed the dye out of my hair, inspecting the water go down the drain until it ran clear. Got ready and feel pretty. Straightened my hair & tied a white ribbon in it. Wearing: a purple slip dress, a cream button up cardigan, and brown cowboy boots.
6/28/22
An unexamined life is one that is not worth living. I need to take a closer look into mine and allow for myself to experience more than being trapped in the hole of wasting my precious fleeting time wasting away on my phone.
I bleached my eyebrows today and I have never looked more nutty in my life.
Today I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for an hour. All I could think the entire time was - do I even like the things that I like? I sometimes always feel like I’m playing a part, in terms of things that should not matter! Do I actually even like the music that I listen to? The media that I consume? The people who I look up to? Or do I like how it makes me perceived? This feels like a very trivial thing to mull over, why does this even matter to me? It matters because I am certain that others must feel the same way. They must! Right? I don’t know. Talking to Luna made me think, okay well maybe not. She’s just effortlessly cool. She likes all these obscure and niche things and paints these gorgeous paintings and it all looks so effortless. How do people like her even exist? Ugh. This topic sounds a lot more profound in my head but it’s so trivial on paper. It’s more a matter of self identity is what I am trying to express and self identify is a nightmare to try and express because it doesn’t really exist. I am the things I’ve surrounded myself with - friendships, media, art, music; but when I’m cherry picking how I think I should be, how I would like to be, what I want to be, can I really say that my interests are my own? Does that make sense? I’m struggling to distinguish which interests are my own and which interests I have for the sake of being perceived nicely.
Both Boy Roommate 1 & 2 are out of town for the whole month. Boy Roommate 2 is visiting redacted in New York and Boy Roommate 1 is on a cross-country Amtrak trip. I wanna do that. I wanna do both of those things. Ugh. Excited to have the house to myself for the month, atleast.
8/29/22
This is the first time I have gotten ready for class, the first time I have not shown up in sweats. I’m even wearing a bra! I am wearing: a white embroidered tank top, loose brown corduroy jeans, and my white converse that I’ve had since the 7th grade. My hair is currently pink and I have on eyeliner, mascara, and some lip stuff. I walked into my lecture hall of 200 + students, only for it to be completely empty, sans one guy who looked equally as confused as me. We discovered that class was canceled for the football game and we were the only two who didn’t get the memo (didn’t check the discussion board. Oops.) Guess I will be attending neither class or the game today, because I work from 3:30 - 10:00 pm. Ugh. Pointless!
Home now from my pointless excursion to campus, and Boy Roommates have a girl over at the house right now, but I can’t tell who she is from her muffled voice echoing through the wall. I don’t recognize the voice. My phone is now buzzing with a call from Boy Roommate and I am letting it ring out to voicemail. I know that this is a “come over and hang” call, but pulling myself off of the couch sounds like an inconceivable task right now. My bed is pilled high with laundry. So is my floor. And my desk chair. And my couch. Jesus. My bathroom is disgusting and there’s piles of days old dishes in the sink. Bleh. My home is a disgusting mess and so am I, so I do not want to see them or whoever this mystery girl is.
Okay update I am sitting on the couch of their side of the house now and the voice in question was not a girl. It was Boy Roommate’s best friend Ellis! I am an idiot. Hi Ellis! I want to be friends with him but he’s moving to New York after graduation and I’m… well I’m not entirely sure. I’ll probably stay in Florida for a bit. Or maybe Atlanta. Maybe L.A. Maybe New York? I don’t know. Ellis is visiting Orlando for the weekend, he lives in Tallahassee and goes to FSU.
I don’t know where I will be after graduation, but I do know that I am a big fat drama queen because after going over and chit-chatting with the three of them, I feel exponentially prettier. I meant to write better but prettier kinda works too. This was my first time meeting Ellis, but I’ve heard so much about him from Boy Roommate 1. He is so endearing. Ugh I want to be his friend.
Ellis, Boy Roommate 1, & I decided to go to the Jeremiah’s on Maitland to get ice cream for dinner. Jeremiah’s is the Italian Ice shop I used to work at in high school and to this day is still my favorite job ever. Miss it. Anyways, as we were checking out, (I got green apple & vanilla custard, boy roommate got strawberry & chocolate custard, I can’t remember what Ellis got now), the pretty cashier told us that we were a very attractive group of friends. OMG. The pretty cashier said this to us!!!! Wow. Amazing to hear.
Boy Roommates friend Ellis ROCKS. It’s the next morning and I’m currently sitting on the back porch writing this, hoping he will come out and hang out with me and befriend me. Being a freak. Whatever. My eyes feel heavy and droopy. Diary, I have no idea what I’m doing. BYE.
That was my last entry in that diary. WOW. Wow. That was kinda nice. Reaffirming. I have many of the same thoughts, doubts, beliefs, that I do now. My life is so different, and yet so entirely the exact same.
Present Day. Well. Yesterday.
4:39 am HAD A HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE INVOLVING REDACTED. WOKE UP WANTING TO VOM. Feeling bummed but like I’m fine now that I’m awake. Not sure what to do. Maybe I’ll try to go back to bed. I need to put different thoughts into my head to re-wake up in good spirits. What to think, what to think. I need a good story to fall asleep to. Was contemplating just staying up because I am up and wide awake but I need a redo so I don’t wake up with my nightmare about redacted being the first thought upon waking.
Okay I am going to dream that there is a hurricane and I am stuck in a house with everyone I love. Okay yes. Perfect. Bye.
5:04 am No I really can’t sleep. That’s okay. Time to start my day I think. Okay. I will make it a good day. Brewing a double shot of espresso and nursing a tall mason jar of water. Having this thought process as my coffee brews: I still have so much time to figure things out which is nice. But I’ve realized that it is going to take me a very long time to figure things out, which is maybe not as nice.
Ruby texted me last night asking if I would want to meet up for coffee today and I said YES and then backtracked with, wait actually I don’t want to spend money.
And then backtracked again with,
But I would love to see you
And then,
Well just come over & I’ll make us coffee?
We discussed back & forth and ended up on the decision that I will come over to hers for coffee instead. So now on my way to Ruby’s I go!
I need to write & I need to edit & I need to do the pile of dishes toppling over in the sink & I need to organize my new room & I need to respond to my texts & I need to go to Ruby’s house because I already agreed to the plans even though I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed but she’s also horribly overwhelmed right now so let’s just be overwhelmed together. Yes. Our frantic energy in one room, maybe it’ll calm everyone down. Two frantic girls to harness their energy as one. Probably will have the opposite effect but we’ll see. Typing and walking through Bushwick to get to these aforementioned plans, swerving around two separate groups of gay people in leopard print coats. Wow. Maybe one is cheetah and one is leopard I’m not entirely sure. Maybe they’re groups of straight people I’m not entirely sure. I am sure that I’ve just dunked my entire foot into a puddle because I wasn’t paying enough attention to where I am walking and too focused on those nasty leopard print coats. So many leopard or cheetah print coats on one block, what’s this about?
I have so much to do!!!!!! Why didn’t I bring my camera? I have so much to do and I’m wasting my brain energy thinking about ugly leopard print coats and guessing if the owners of the ugly coats are gay or not.
My face is wet because I’m walking under the subway line and the melting icicles are dripping onto the top of my head and there’s nothing I can really do about it because I must walk forward and there’s thick ice mounds to either side of me so all I can do is walk straight and forward and allow the fat drops to drip down onto the crown of my head. Gross. Subway icicles. Need to scrub every inch of myself in the longest & hottest shower in the world after this.
Finally on her block! Amazing! We’re not quite in walking distance her & I, but I thought the walk would be good for me. It’s lovely out. Clear blue sky’s and the temperature is like, fine. My nose is dribbling with snot and my forehead is dribbling from the icicles but other than this feeling of general dampness I am like, fine.
Spent the whole walk just thinking about how I don’t have time to walk! I have no time for any of this!!! Every car is piled high with a foot of snow on top.
At Ruby’s and she is curled up on her couch in the dark, watching a show I don’t recognize. We both have frantic girl energy right now. Snuggling and catching up and nursing coffees and being frantic together.
Glad I came. Like, so glad. Needed her. See it is nice to do the things I think I don’t have the time to do. I started reading Giovanni’s Room this morning and this line stuck out to me, because it lines up exactly with my current feelings of racing the clock, day in and day out. Giovanni goes, “Americans are funny. You have a funny sense of time - or perhaps you have no sense of time at all, I can’t tell…as though with enough time and all that fearful energy and virtue you people have, everything will be settled, solved, put in its place.”
Time is such nonsense! It’s all such nonsense! Whatever it is.
I guess it is time for me to text the Bed Stuy sublet guy to finally go over and pick up my mail, because I’ve been putting this off for however long now. Yes I will do this now. Texted him and he responded 20 seconds later to “pull up” so I guess I am going to pull up.
Texted him back, “Can I come in 40?” He responded, “yeah perf”
Perf.
Brooklyn men.
Voice Memo
Walking towards the train to get to my 1st apartment now. I’m voice memo-ing because I can’t both type and walk with all the thick ice slabs on ground, I’m talking in slow motion to get the voice memo to register my words but I am looking real slow and real stupid as a result.
I was looking through our texts to try and find his door code and oh my god he sent me the message to get my mail a literal month ago. I am ridiculous!!!! I am so ridiculous. A task I put off for thirty full days that got solved in one afternoon with one quick text. God why am I like this. God please heal my brain.
Impeccable timing
from YouTube I also bought a vape this week after 6 months off and it made me feel slightly better
it’s a temporary solution