I Can Change
Notes From May
I’m speed walking to the train when an obese rat scuttles across my left boot. I let out an overdramatic yelp and clip the creature on its tail, pressing down with my right heel. I kicked out of instinct and the rodent flings itself across my shin before darting past me, past wrought iron fencing, past piles of steaming garbage collecting on the sidewalk, into morning light. Hello Brooklyn.
Back home in New York. When did this happen? Referring to New York as home. Feels strange to think of home & to picture New York before Florida. To picture specific faces & environments before others. It feels nice, but when did this happen? It used to be so different.
It’s a mid-spring day and I am sitting at a cafe across from Amelie. Our faces are streaked with yesterdays makeup and her hair is in an unintentional deep side part from running her fingers through the strands. I’m sipping on a cold brew topped with an inch of whole milk and she’s sitting across from me with a firm grip on an iced latte with oat. She deliberated on this for a few minutes before settling, plagued by the decision fatigue of picking a latte or drip. I’m zoned out staring at the peeled social distancing circles on the floor, my laptop open in front of me to a blank document. The barista recognized us from my Vlog and gave us our drinks on the house. I’m not used to being recognized in public but ever since I got back from my trip it’s been occurring more often than usual. It feels nice, but now I am nervous about my situational RBF. Paranoid that I am gonna accidentally give someone a glare and then get recognized or I am going to be doing something debaucherous and then get recognized, and then it is a slippery slope.
The barista was so kind and her eyes shone so brightly when she said “I know you!” And I balked staring back at her sweet features, trying to pinpoint where we have met. She realized my confusion and continued on, “Like, from Youtube. I watch your videos." And I said “Oh, what the hell” and the barista goes, “Does this not happen to you?” And I vigorously shook my head No.
I asked her for her phone number to become friends but when she typed it into my phone it was missing the last digit. I want to go back and befriend her but now I’m paranoid that either 1. she inputted the # wrong on purpose because she does not want to be my friend or 2. she typed in the number wrong on accident but now I’ll look like the asshole for not texting her after asking for it in the first place.
About to meet up with Ruby and Amelie at the Johnson’s, a dive bar in Bushwick. So excited. So much to catch up on. Jittery with excitement. Missed my girls so bad. Can’t wipe this stupid expression off my face, the one where my eyes are all wide and I’m smiling upside down in amusement/ anticipation/ thrill. Oh god the amusement/ anticipation/ thrill is killing me. Can’t wait to see my beautiful besties. We broke the B word barrier. Amelie was showing me a text on her phone where she referred to me as her bestie and I said who is that about, pointing to the B word on her screen and she goes oh you know and I pointed towards myself all faux-shyly and she said WELL DUH. Oh my god. Wow. How beautiful. How can I be contemplating buying a van when this beautiful relationship is staring me right in the face?
I am contemplating purchasing a van right now but I am going to wait and see if this urge fades, incase this is me wanting to make a rash decision, as I love to do. Run away from my problems, as I love to do. I want to purchase a van. I want to keep traveling. Want to keep going, going, going. Henry is selling his van for dirt cheap now that he’s officially settling down in New York and I very badly want to buy it off of him, but I am holding off, just in case.
Wow. I really live in New York. Well duh, but I had this epiphany that I really live here now when I climbed onto this train with such muscle memory. Didn’t once look up from finger to iPhone rapid fire typing when I took my seat in the train car. My new leather bag that I thrifted in New Mexico is securely strapped across my chest like a shield and my new plaid mini dress that I thrifted in LA is on my body as my armor. The first thing I did when getting dressed for the evening was tie a piece of white ribbon onto the front zipper of my new bag to commemorate it as officially being My New Bag. Kept lamenting to myself on my trip, “Man, I wish I brought a spool of ribbon with me!” Lady backpacking. Forgetting the damn ribbon.
Amelie, Ruby, & I are canonically chronically late to everything, but I’ve arrived ten minutes after our agreed 7pm meet up time, and yet am still the first one here. We purposely don’t track each others locations because we thought it’d be fun to keep the mystery alive but now I’m leaned against the entrance to The Johnson’s, puffing on a cigarette, and the minutes & my patience are just ticking away. I think to myself, wow what’s taking so long, the beer I sipped on the walk over already weening out of my system. I looked down at my phone to see that I had a missed text from Ruby, I’m here, where are you! Oh. I must’ve missed her walking in. I take a lap inside the bar and don’t see her among the crowd of patrons. We call only to discover that she is waiting for me at The Johnson’s in Manhattan & I am waiting for her at The Johnson’s in Bushwick. Nice. So yeah, the three of us share locations now.
Think it was meant to happen, for me to accidentally go to the wrong bar. ‘Cause as I’m standing on the train platform waiting to course correct towards Manhattan, I bump into some instagram mutuals, these two Bushwick famous YouTubers who have newly befriended me. We exchanged embraces and they’re equally as awkward in person as they are in their videos. I’m so endeared towards them. We plant ourselves down in an empty row on the M train, small-talking as the train whistles us into the city. We joke about our parasocial relationships towards one another and they ask me if I do this full time as in, Vlog/ Blog. I say HELL NO, and then respond after an awkward beat, Ummmm, do you guys? Knowing fully well that they do, of course they do, but how else does one respond to that? The taller one gives a PR answer of Yes we are very fortunate to be in this position and I suppress my smile. Lord knows they don’t need the PR answer around me, but I respect the hustle. We talk about their Canadian friends & they ask me how Girl Roommate is doing, how Amelie & Ruby are doing, referring to everyone by their real names. I get self conscious/ existential at what the hell I’m doing here with my digital footprint. What the hell am I doing here with my digital footprint?
Saying one thing and doing another. Fictionalizing but also telling the truth in strange doses. Was hanging out with Amelie yesterday and the name Amelie instead of ****** slipped off my tongue in Real Life and I felt a bit mortified. We scream laughed but then I just thought to myself, what the hell am I doing!!!!!!
Think getting recognized in public is messing with my certainty of my actions a bit. Now I am a bit uncertain that I am making the right choices when people are approaching me. Everyone is so kind right now, but what happens when the pendulum swings in the opposite direction?
I held the door open for a lady at the bank and she goes thank you very much. You are a very kind girl. The sun is shining and so am I in my little plaid dress. I haven’t yet changed out of yesterdays outfit, out of my little plaid dress. I feel like a knockout and Brooklyn is kind to me in my little plaid dress.
Checking my friends locations to be nosy. A friend from college who lives in Florida, her location is pinging at a hospital 3 miles away. Strange. She doesn’t live here. I inspect closer and see that her location was last updated 3 days ago, and hasn’t moved from the hospital since. Oh, shit.
I’ve been on hold with the hospital for the past 20 minutes when a lady who sounded sick of me from my first sentence finally picked up. I started to explain why I was calling but my throat started to tighten up because something feels very wrong. Spoke through a cracked voice and she cut off my incoherent string of words to put me back on hold, which is where I am now. Have been on hold for the past 8 minutes and 23 seconds. Sitting criss crossed on my bed, stress picking at my scalp.
Finally got ahold of the hospital who transferred me to a different department who transferred me to a different department who finally transferred me to my friends nurse, who said, “sorry, she can’t talk right now, she’s just taken her medicine, call back in like an hour?”
Called back an hour later and her nurse responded, “Sorry, she’s on a call right now, call back later?”
Called back later and finally heard my friends soft, drowsy voice, “Who is this?”
“Diana”
“Oh, hi”
“Hi”
“I miss you”
“I miss you too”
“I love you”
“I love you too”
“How did you know I was here?”
“I called the hospital”
“You called the hospital!” She asked, alarm breaking through the fog.
Got defensive at my maybe overreaction and over-explained myself. “Well I checked your location and the dot hadn’t moved from the hospital for three days and then you didn’t respond to my text and then I called Max about it and he said that he hadn’t heard from you either and I got really worried so yeah then I called the hospital.”
Mind flits back to that one time that I called the fire department because Max & Henry’s smoke detector was going off for a few minutes & I was home alone. The sound was stressing me out and they were both at school so I panicked and dialed 911, firetrucks blaring down our street over some harmless incense burning on their coffee table. My bad!
I’m sitting at a bar in Greenpoint with all my closest friends. There’s 8 of us squeezed into this booth & the blue overhead lighting is reflecting off everyone’s cheekbones in a very gorgeous way. Looking at all these pretty faces glowing before me and feeling satisfied at the sight. I’m sat directly in the middle of the table and listening in on the chatter going on on either side of me. To my left are the men & to my right are the ladies/ nonbinary’s/ Garrett. Floating in & out of conversations consisting of:
David Allan Coe’s death
My train trip
Florida/ LA/ New York
Our friend from college who’s currently in the hospital
Instagram Reels
“Old trade” whatever the fuck that means
Our jobs or lack thereof, what we’re doing & what we’d rather be doing
When I went on this date with a vegan guy but I forgot that he was a vegan and I took him to my 2nd favorite bar, the one with the free unlimited hotdogs & I kept eating hotdogs & he wasn’t indulging and then I was like wait why hasn't he kissed me yet and then that’s when it clicked
When Max & I lived together and he would use my towel to wipe his face after shaving and I caught him in the act one morning and sputtered out, Well, how long has this been going on?
My dear friends transitioned to the next bar where I regretted my decision to join as soon as we walked through the doors. It was all bright red lights & loud electronic music and squeezing by gourds of people in a packed out room. I stood around the new bar for approximately 4 minutes, a full glass of water cupped in my hands before I set it down on a random table, irish-ing out the front door & into the night.
I’m standing on a crowded L train and it’s 1:20 in the morning. It feels nice to have alone time. Desperately needed alone time. Have been around other people consistently for 30 days straight and I’m finally alone on this crowded train car.
Back home & in bed now, pressing play on episode 1 of the new season of Euphoria. Blissfully alone. Binge eating the ice cream that Jude left in my freezer. Think I would’ve felt very depressed first week back in the city if it wasn’t for my family all being in town right now. I say I want to be alone, but this family time is exactly what I need. My words & my desires do not intersect.
Sitting on the bus, on my way to the hospital. In moments like these I would love to have a car (specifically Henry’s van) to be able to just speed over to her, but instead I am slinking through Masbeth on the Q58.
I’ve never been to a hospital before, other than the whole being born thing. It is so depressing here. So sterile & the overhead lighting is stomach churning. Ella was joking last night at the bar, “Let’s break her out of there, tie a bunch of bandanas together and help her escape!” Giggling to myself at the imagery.
College friend was loopy from medication and thus was being too honest with me about topics from Memory Lane that I like to lie to myself about. Bit my tongue and winced hearing Truth roll off her tongue left & right. I didn’t want to hear her Truth because it shattered the illusion of my Truth that I’ve carefully crafted up in my head. Difficult to hear. Difficult morning.
It’s later in the evening and I’m sitting outside of a bar with Ruby, relaying to her my morning spent at the Hospital. It’s our mutual friend’s birthday party tonight & I’ve invited Ella to the function. So excited to introduce her to Ruby & Amelie. The vibe wasn’t quite right (no ones faults really. I was stressed about Friend in Hospital, Amelie was doing her homework at the bar, Ruby & Ella were making polite small talk).
The vibe improved tenfold when the owner of the bar spotted the four of us, introduced himself, and then sat down at our table. He waved over a busboy to bring us a round of shots which we took with glee & then he waved the busboy back to us again for another round. Again, again, again, more shots with the owner of this bar, the mood lightening up as this man eagerly played the camera roll game with us. Showing us photos of him in his prime, in a speedo, posed with playboy bunnies & celebrities. We sat with him for hours, even after the birthday girl had left & the party was over. He fed us more shots & stories until the bar had fully cleared out, the five of us the last ones lingering.
Garrett spent the night at mine, we crawled into bed around 4 in the morning. I curled up to him, nestling my head on his chest, feeling it rise & fall with deep rhythmic breaths.
Morning time. Woke up with our backs facing each other, Garrett still sound asleep. I’m biding time by playing chess on my phone when I hear a long crackle of his vape. “Good morning sunshine” I called out. He doesn’t respond but since he’s awake I start giggling and rapid fire talking, talking, talking. I ask if he’s hungry and suggest different breakfast spots in my neighborhood that we could patron. No response. I flip over to face him and his eyes are glued shut, soft breaths escaping though his nose.
Did he just fucking rip his vape in his sleep.
Later in the evening. Brewed myself a cup of lemon ginger tea that’s going cold on my nightstand. I’m upright in bed with a blank document on my laptop that’s as untouched as my tea. Sighed out in annoyance towards myself. Can’t do anything right now. Migrated out of bed over to the fridge and cracked opened a Modelo to replace my untouched tea. Switched tabs from google docs to HBO and pressed play on Season 2 of Girls. Need a reset. Need to get back to my regular routine.
To Do List for getting back to my regular routine
paint my nails wine stock red. Omg I missed her
Upload my final two train trip videos
Get groceries for my empty, empty, fridge
Go to goodwill, like yesterday
Need cash, need quick cash how do I get quick cash
Okay apply for a job, I guess
Visit Friend at the hospital again because her stay got extended to another week
Pray to a higher power that everything will work out
Not ruminate on the concept of my film from my trip not developing, fuck my life fuck my life fuck my fucking life no it is so fine I cannot dwell on something that is so wholly out of my control
Just went to the grocery store to get real groceries for the first time in a month. No granola bars or instant ramen or instant matcha packets or god forbid instant oatmeal. The thought of eating oatmeal makes me feel so queasy right now. I’m all oatmeal-ed out. But I got hearty things. Responsible things. Canned beans & a fresh loaf of sourdough and a jar of kimchi & Greek yogurt & whole milk & nutritional yeast and all the other pantry & dietary staples that my body has been missing this past month couch surfing/ backpacking/ doing whatever it is that I’ve been doing.
The week before I left for my backpacking trip, Ellis and I were walking over to a party at Mila’s apartment. It was 11 pm and my New Friend texted me WYD? Which caught me by surprise. “Do you want to hang out with my New Friend? I asked Ellis, turning my phone to show him the message. “New Friend?” He asked. “Like, that girl from Florida?” “Yes, her!” “Sure!” So Ellis & I made a pit stop at the bar that New Friend was at, and since that night, she’s become seamlessly immersed into my life. We got very close very quickly and it makes me think about the way that Ellis described our relationship a few months ago: We’re on a rollercoaster that only goes up!
Tonight, New Friend is setting me up on a date with her best friend ******. I slid up on her Instagram story a few days ago where she posted a man and I said Who is that and she said my best friend ****** and I said … and she said … So now I am meeting up with her best friend ****** at the Levee, all because of an instagram story swipe up. 21st century romance.
The Leevee is this dive bar in Williamsburg that I used to frequent often when I worked at my first cafe job. I love the Leevee ‘cause I’m comfortable here and I always bring boys here because they always love it just as much as I do. It’s a crowd pleaser. My date spot. Have gone on multiple first dates at this bar which makes me laugh to think about. It’s 8:23 pm and Sword II is blasting on a loop in my headphones as I sit politely on the empty train car. Thinking about how excited I am that Jude’s band is opening up for them next month. Small world. When the flyer dropped I squealed and texted them immediately to pls put me on list, I will come home for this! Guess this is as good an excuse as ever to finally go home to Florida.
It’s 9:07 pm & I’m out on this date with ****** when my phone buzzes in my lap. We’re perched side by side on bar stools, pints of half downed Guinness’s sweating in front of us. I am having a very nice time. We’re laughing a lot and our knees are touching and I cannot wipe away the blush creeping onto my cheeks. My phone buzzes again and I reach into my purse to silence it, only to see that it’s a text from redacted’s dad.
Attached are two family photos of us from last summer. Everyone’s expressions are twisted up in smiles and we’re all holding up our middle finger to the camera. No text attached, just the photos. Oh, horrible. I feel very horrible and I should leave this bar. What am I doing? I’m inspecting the photos while ****** is ordering us another round and redacted’s dad is texting me, love & miss you sweetie and this just made me so sad, so, so, sad. Is this a sign? I don’t understand. Felt so bad, to finally make the decision to go on a date again, and I’m enjoying myself and we’re giggling really hard together and then boom, a bite from Memory Lane.
Today I
Walked down bleaker street with LCD soundsystem blaring on a loop in my headphones. Felt like a self-induced crazed state. I can change, I can change, I can change, I can change.
Looked VERY beautiful but didn’t get photo evidence so it was all for ‘naught
Ate a pb&j
Hung out with my New Friend. Sat in the SoHo Paloma Wool store & watched her try on $200 dresses. She looked so gorgeous in them.
Watching ******’s skate clips on YouTube & feeling sour that his videos get more views than mine. Oh my god, what the hell. YouTube is for ladies what the hell are your skate clips doing on my Vlogging Website. They cannot coexist here, no they cannot.
Next day
Went to the beach with my New Friend & Amelie. Was so excited to introduce the two of them and they got along so gorgeously. It was giggle city, it was selfie city, it was good omen city. A girl who was with a group of all men walked over to the three of us sprawled out on our beach towels. She complimented us & we keyed for a bit before she got down to business. She asked us if we were single and gestured over to the guys in her group, to gauge if we were interested. We responded without hesitation, “We can’t, we have crushes.” And then giggled at how ridiculous we sounded in that moment. No, sorry! Not interested. Locked down with a crush. Crush loyalty.
Amelie slept over & the first words out of her mouth upon waking were: “I had a dream that I was eating steak that was left in the shower for days.” Panicked expression on her face. I say nothing to this and she clarifies, “well the steak was like, in Tupperware.” I say nothing to this but my laptop is open, propped against my chest and she starts cackling when she witnesses me switch tabs to the notes app to write down her words.
Later I take her with me to the SoHo Brandy Melville so that I can re-up on some more prized possessions, and we’re both overstimulated & overwhelmed and dying of laughter surrounded by preteens on the prowl for 100% cotton basics. I have my hands full of garments and Amelie is holding a little navy blue skirt. She goes, “I found something for my little sister!”
We go back to her apartment and on the kitchen counter is a bowl with two adderall’s split in half waiting for us. A gift from her new roommate. “Looks like cat food.” Amelie says. “Meow!” I respond before we each swallow our halves. Bliss.
New Friend has a really special way of wording her thoughts. It’s the first thing I noticed about her. She is just so distinctly herself. “Diana. I changed my pants 6 times and watched 4 candles melt to the bottom before I could come up with an appropriate response to that.” She stated so factually, showing me a text thread between her & her crush. Poetry. Her words are poems I wish I wrote. I hear her speak and I so badly want to commit to memory each & every word, the inflection of her tone, the expressions on her face. When we were driving to the beach we passed by a Michael’s craft store and she groaned out how badly she misses the craft store. I asked her what she would purchase if she could go and she listed out item after item, charcoal & nice pens & watercolors & fabrics & paintbrushes & a new notebook & oil pastels & more & more & more & more. I like her so much because I want everything & more too.
I have the same flutter in my chest of certainty towards this new relationship that I felt when I first met Ruby & Amelie. Sometimes you just know. Sometimes you just know when it’s something different & something a little deeper and something more than just a casual new friend. I’ve had a friend crush on this New Friend for years now. She’s always been this phantom figure in my life- I’ve heard all these stories about her from Henry & Max & our other mutual friends, but never put a face to the name. I don’t really remember how they all met, I just remember one summer hearing her name pop up all the sudden. We never crossed paths in Florida, but now years later we’re both here, in New York and we met up to get lunch a few months ago and I thought it went so beautifully so I texted her we should do that again sometime! And she said YES and then we didn’t do that again. Now it’s months later, and all it took was one WYD? text for us to rekindle & reignite brighter than ever.
Left my house to head over to the library when I noticed two letters waiting for me in the mail nook. What the hell?
One is from Addie’s sister, who I vaguely know, but not very well. She lives in LA and I hit her up to crash at her spot on my trip, but she was out of town that week. The other letter is from redacted’s mom. Ahhhhh. Wait, what the hell. My lady. I love her so much, but why a letter in the mail? Brain immediately jumps to: is this like, a restraining order?
Other ideas I conjured up on my walk while gripping the envelopes in my sweaty palms:
A cease and desist
Invitations to weddings
Invitations to like, a funeral or something
Ummmm like an outstanding bill for $100,000 dollars that I need to pay in the next 48 hours or it’s jail for life
Opened my letters to discover that the one from Addie’s sister was just a sweet note, just ‘cause. Just saying that she’s glad that we’re now friends and that she would love to catch up soon. Wow, gorgeous. The one from redacted’s mom is a very sweet birthday card.
I got breakfast with my friend redacted this morning. We met through her ex boyfriend redacted, who was one of my first friends last summer when I first moved to the city. I met him at the cafe I met Ruby at. Him & I had one of those friendships where you’re maybe not the most compatible, but you’re in a brand new environment so you’ll latch onto anyone in your close proximity, while still finding your footing. Our fair-weather friendship faded but I still felt endeared towards his Ex and when she texted me yesterday asking if I would like to meet up & catch up I responded with an immediate YES.
We went to an All-American diner in my neighborhood. The portions are massive & the food is cheap & the patrons are all true New Yorkers. She caught me up on her recent break-up and we sipped 2 cups of coffee each & split a waffle with too much butter and too much syrup and everything about the moment was a saccharine feeling. We talked about my date with ****** and my trip and about all the new and about all the old.
I’m at ******’s apartment and I don’t want to be at ******’s apartment and I’m sad that I don’t want to be at his apartment because I want to want to be here. But being here is making me so sad and he’s in the bathroom as I type this out and I think that I should leave. I thought that I would have a change of heart about being here if I just drank more but I’m piss drunk and still want to be anywhere else. So it’s 4 in the morning and I leave and his apartment is so far from mine and the next train to mine is in half an hour so by the time I am on my street and walking up my front steps, it’s daylight out. Birds are chirping and there’s three women in scrubs, ready for their morning shift and I feel like a degenerate in my mini skirt and mascara streaked face.
May Notes
Code naming and redact-ifying people feels fried when everyone’s nonbinary ‘cause then it narrows down who I’m talking about. But it’s like, okay I’m not going to misgender you. My friends. But like, does everyone need to be a redacted they/them for blog flow/anonymity purposes, or what? Think everyone needs to start being a redacted they/them for blog flow/anonymity purposes.
At Goodwill and there is a man with a speaker being horribly loud. Blasting Fetty Wap. An employee started walking over to him & I thought that he was gonna tell him to pipe down but it was actually to say, Hey man. Can you play Hotline Bling after this one?
Ellis does this thing where when he greets me he picks me up off my feet and swings me around and it makes me feel like a fat fucking cow every time
I am apartment swapping with Max’s LA friend redacted in July. Redacted & I were sending each other pictures of our apartments and he goes, “yeah as I was sending those pictures I kept thinking to myself, man I should get some shelves or something” and I responded that I felt the same way, but about curtains! Need curtains desperately before he gets here. His apartment looks all adult & put together with curtains, & I got nothin’.
I think I should do a No-Spend June. There is so much I want right now but I need to be strategic what with the traveling-for-a-month-of-it-all. Binge-consuming of it all.
Things I want right now:
LA Apparel Jelly Flats in shade Red Violet
More plants in my room
A vanity/ desk
CURTAINS
A new bottle of Glossier You
unlimited film for my Polaroid
unlimited film for my point and shoot
unlimited funds
New bedding, a bed skirt, fancy shampoo & conditioner, a vintage camcorder, fancy groceries, a manicure, a massage, a psychiatrist, a clear vision of an end goal, a clear vision of a current plan, a pilates membership, a reason for it all
Typing this while on my way to a job interview. It’s a part-time job at New Friend’s job. It’s an anonymous job in an anonymous location but it ironically happens to be on the exact same street as my first ever job I acquired in the city. Can look down the street and see the cafe I met Ruby. I cannot get off of this street it seems. I’m wearing Amelie’s clothes to look more professional, but have only succeeded in feeling fraudulent. Feel like the interviewer will know that these clothes are not mine. The pants I’m wearing are called the Pleats Please pants by a famous Japanese designer. Amelie & New Friend coached me on what designers to mention during my interview and to casually draw attention to my pants. Feeling so ridiculous, pulling words out of thin air about something I have no knowledge on. I know Brandy Melville, LA Apparel, & the goodwill like the back of my hand. What the hell is a Pleats Please and why is everyone in a tizzy about it?
10:15am lying parallel in bed with my camcorder recording me. Feeling perverted and self indulgent. PERFORMATIVE. Whatever. Polishing off the last bits of Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. So boring. Don’t like leaving a task unfinished though. Was getting to the last few pages but then my phone buzzed with a text from Henry, inviting me to a house party on the Upper West Side tonight. The party is being thrown by one of our old high school classmates and there are various names on the partiful that I immediately recognize. Okay so essentially he invited me to a high school reunion. Lmfao. Lmfao is exactly what I responded to his text, but then he managed to convince me & I said okay why not so now I guess we are going to a high school reunion tonight.
Would be mortified about this whole High School reunion thing if it wasn’t for the being 3 shots deep of it all. Now it’s just funny and silly. Henry is feeling a little mortified and there’s tiny sweat beads collecting on his forehead as we migrate closer towards the apartment. He wants to turn around & go home but his girlfriend & I are firm on our No, we already made it this far. We stall at this random Idaho themed bar before walking into the building and trudging up five floors to get to the rooftop, where we find a corner to stand in and be off-putting. The three of us are huddled up together, nursing beers that we did not purchase when a familiar face approaches us. It’s a girl who I knew well. She would drive me home after rowing practice in her Tesla. We make eye contact and there’s nothing behind her gaze when she looks me up & down and goes, Hiiii, remind me your name again? Cocking her head in confusion. She either hasn’t spotted Henry or doesn’t recognize him either but he chimes in regardless, responding for me, It starts with a D! Her blank expression is fixed on him now & Henry & I sneak a glance at each other like we’re being pranked. Is this negging? My incredulousness turns into amusement and I am trying my very hardest to not let an awkward laugh escape my lips. Pursing my lips clamped shut. Now purposely avoiding eye contact with Henry so that I do not accidentally double over. The girls roommate, also from our high school, runs over once she spots us. She squeals, bringing Henry & I into a tight embrace. “Diana! Henry!” Her smile is so genuine & infectious and the first roommate suddenly regains her whole memory, “Oh, Diana! Henry! How are you guys!”
I met a drunk girl on the train last night. I was speed walking through union station on my way home from the reunion when she spawned out of the corner of my eye. Can you help me? She pleaded, wild look in her gaze. Yeah what’s up? I responded, a little cautious in case-she-is-tweaker. I dunno. I’m sure she is probably not a tweaker but can’t ever be too sure. My phone is dead and I don’t know how to get home from here and I’m not from here. She moaned out, showing me the dead device in her hand. A sister in dead devices. Universe has called me to service here. Knew what I had to do, knew I had to take her under my wing. I handed her my phone that was on 3% and she typed her address into the maps. Saw that we were taking the same train home so I led her down the steps towards the platform. She’s asian & has jet black hair and lots of little acne bumps in her T-zone and is profusely thanking me for helping her. Our train arrived and we scored two seats in the packed out car. She’s 25 and just graduated from UCLA. I tell her that I’m actually going to be in LA in July since I’m apartment swapping with redacted and she’s like woah small world, and I’m like small world indeed! I unplugged my phone from my portable charger & plugged hers in to charge. She shows me her arm that has her friends door code scratched into it from her fingernails, incase she got lost.
“Girl, what the hell.” I say, and we both burst into laughter. She is obviously wasted and her eyes are halfway squeezed shut. I tear out a little piece of notebook paper from my journal and jot down the code from her arm, handing that to her instead. I’ve been in her exact shoes time & time again- solo on the subway, lost & wasted with a dead phone. A right of passage for girls on a mission.
It’s the next morning & I’m tapping through instagram stories where I see my new friends post. A wholesome fit check. Her morning coffee & pastry. A digi cam photo from the night before of her smiling with three other girls. Amazing.
Media I liked in May
I have been on a more Youtube/ Substack kick this month rather than film & books. C’est la vie! Letting it happen, letting my interests eb & flow. Sometimes my interests are cornier than I’d like. Ideally I would consistently be on a more film & book kick rather than Youtube & Substack but I like what I like and this month this is what I liked.
Movies/ TV/ Youtube
Amélie by Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Neighbors (TV) by Harrison Fishman and Dylan Redford
Party Girl by Daisy von Scherler Mayer
Rae: home tour
Anaïs Laure: spring day in Paris
Maria Bottle: books I read
Books/ Blogs
Down & Out in Paris & London: George Orwell
Mrs. Dalloway: Virginia Woolf
Famesick: Lena Dunham
Music
I could: Fine
Put Me Down: The Cranberries
Bittersweet: 454
dwm: ideasforconversations
My Amazing Saturday: tal castle
Early Stars: Jejune
Beijing: ee
Drop Dead: Olivia Rodrigo [I do love pop music, I do! This has been going triple platinum in my headphones. Life is balance, I love it all!]
Light of Becoming: Dutch Interior
Everything Everything: Bleary Eyed
Misc.
making lists of things
handwritten letters
a kiss goodbye
listening to the radio instead of streaming
two braids down my back, one layered over the other
slumber parties
party-parties
Time to read my favorite book again!!!! Soothing to read somebody else also being confronted with memory lane, makes me feel like i'm not alone, mourning the passing of time. Sending you love and good fortune in june xx
love this so much it’s like i’m there