How to Start Figuring Things Out

Because apparently smiling & having fun only gets you so far and then it's like...now what?

Recently: I’ve been smiling. I’ve been laughing, lounging, playing…chilling…pestering….being….…yearning…probably all of the -ing suffixes at least twice. Ok I’ve also been procrastinating. Whatever. Maybe I’ve procrastinated for a year. So what?

I feel pretty content in all aspects of my life except arguably my favorite one: creative fulfillment. I don’t think I’ve ever consumed as much media in my life as I have in this past year, especially without creating anything of my own. It makes the equilibrium of my world just feel so twisted to be watching and consuming & watching and consuming while sitting on the sidelines just observing.

I feel scared to do anything but also scared to do nothing. So I keep waiting and procrastinating and avoiding. I tell myself that I’m not exactly sure what it is that I want to do, and that that is a good enough excuse to not do anything at all, but I know that that’s just not true. And I know that it’s better to at least begin to do something, than to stick with a pattern of nothingness until I feel like a speck of dust, but a day of avoidance of picking a path has turned into a week has turned into a month has turned into a year. I know that it’s better to at least do something than to do nothing at all. I know this, and yet I don’t change my ways because it’s really really comfortable to be in a routine of nothingness. A routine of hyper-normalcy. But to start figuring things out one just have to start. Ugh. Cruel.

Last week I went to my local dive bar with my bffs: redacted, redacted, and redacted. I’m not really sure why, but I was passing around my point & shoot camera like a virus that night. I always carry it in my purse wherever I go -just in case- but it rarely, (never) leaves its permanent spot at the bottom of my bag.

Going out and “nightlife” in general is probably one of my most bottom tier things to do, I get so in my head & overstimulated. I also hate moody bar lighting because it feels so disorienting. I crave harsh fluorescent overhead lighting, like a lizard in an enclosure. But the caveat of being out past my self-imposed bedtime is that I love games. And people only want to play games after 10pm so I thus am forced to compromise. Pool, darts, cards…how could time be better spent than by playing & having fun?

My drink of choice when going out? A tequila sour. I take no credit for this switch from a classic vodka cranberry (my past drink of choice because it was also the only drink I knew up until a few months ago). I once watched as my friend Liz ordered one at a bar, and she looked so cool & adult-ish doing so, the drink order rolling off her tongue so smoothly, so professionally, that I instantly fell in love. I don’t think that I even like vodka, or really cranberry juice either except when I have a UTI. I’ve just had no idea what else to order. But now with a tequila sour in my arsenal, anything feels possible.

A current 2024 review

1. I’ve grown out my hair & wear nightgowns to bed. I’m such a woman!

2. I have an IUD now and it has made my life a living hell but it is also the best thing ever so I’m not entirely sure how to feel about the whole thing.

3. I think Addison Rae is amazing & I just knew everyone would agree with me eventually.

4. Although scrolling on social media into oblivion gets the best of me most days, Letterboxd & Pinterest feel like a safe haven from the horrors of Instagram and TikTok. Although I will admit that I do obsessively post on my Close Friends story on Instagram a ridiculous amount, but it’s just so silly.

5. I now have a bachelors degree that I have no idea what to do with. It’s been sitting in the trunk of my car for the past two months because I’m not really sure what to do with the thing, and it’s not like it really matches my home decor.

6. Last book I read: No Longer Human, by Osamu Dazai.

7. Last show I watched: I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson.

8. Most recent food fixation: Good & Gather Cream Cheese Wontons. There are four boxes in my freezer as of current.

9. The last movie I’ve watched is: Talladega Nights. But my current favorite movie is: Waiting… because wow that is a perfect movie.

10. I’ve been laughing & playing with my friends all year long… I never want it to end!!!!

Bye!

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