50% Kismet 50% Hedonism
Equilibrium has been restored, or so it seems.
Friday
It’s that time again. Time to take a greyhound into a random state again. Feels right. Public transit is a beautiful, beautiful, thing.
6 am. My eyes immediately peeled open upon awakening. Forced myself into an upright position in bed, despite wanting to be parallel for a long, long, time. Brushed my teeth and scrubbed my face clean. Sleepy. Braided my hair into a sloppy French. Rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. Tried on the outfit I set out for myself last night because I’ve decided that I am now the kinda girl who sets out her outfits the night before. Hated what I saw in the mirror and changed into something else. And then something else after that. And now am standing in something entirely new that’s like, whatever. Took me just as long to get dressed as usual. Wearing Brandy Melville head to toe. Well on my head is a knit beanie and my toes are covered by my cute camel boots. But my torso and legs are consisting of brandy & brandy. Plain black sweats and a plain black quarter length sleeve top. Good enough! Original outfit was a baby tee from one of my friends bands with a long sleeve layered underneath, but I felt like an adult toddler in the mirror.
Brewed a cup of green tea and lathered peanut butter & bananas onto two slices of sourdough for the road. Sucked down my vitamins. Sucked down a mason jar of water. Sucked down my green tea. Sucked down my Doubts and Reservations about my current life decisions.
Today I am taking a Greyhound bus into Philadelphia, Pennsylvania for no reason at all really. I’ll be staying at my friend Riley’s house for the excursion. Our schedules lined up & so we figured hey, why not? This blog is a mess of real names & fake names strewn together. Not everyone needs a fake name I guess. I dunno. Riley & I met online and graduated from Instagram Mutuals to Real Life Friends about four years ago.
7:49. Sitting on my train into Manhattan. My bus departs from Port Authority at 9:10. I’m running a teeny tiny bit late to be a teeny tiny bit early, but I think that I should be fine. Should even be fine enough to stop into the Pret a block away from my destination to purchase a large hot dirty chai with oat milk.
Walked in circles around the Port Authority Bus Terminal, horribly lost and confused, firmly gripping my lukewarm chai- lukewarm both in temperature & in flavor. The chai is dribbling down my sleeve from my too-firm grasp.
On my bus now. An asian family of four have clamored on board, bus tickets in hand. A mother, father, and two young boys are standing in the aisle, confusedly looking at the seat numbers. The mother of the family said, “Hi. Miss? These are our seats.” To the pudgy lady reclined in the row after mine, showing her their tickets as proof, and the pudgy lady hollered back, “I’M NOT MOVIN’, SO DON’T EVEN ASK!” Asian family of four attempted a meek push back, “But. But we are four. And these are our seats.” Pudgy lady responded, “WELL I’M NOT MOVIN’ SO FIGURE IT OUT!”
They figured it out and we are now movin’ towards Philly, PA!
Listening to Slouching Towards Bethlehem in my headphones, with my head resting against the glass panel window. Ideally would like to be editing instead, but am procrastinating doing that. An hour has passed and we are now slouching past New Jersey and into Philadelphia. Book still playing in my ears, eyes are rested shut. Feeling content. Watching urban expanses whizz past my sightline thinking about nothing really at all.
Notes From Philly
Everything I packed for my 48 hour Philly excursion: 3 thick wool socks, 3 pairs of underwear, 1 black quarter length sleeve top, 1 pair of black sweats, my snot sleeved black puffer, a grey knit zip-up, LA Apparel black mini dress, red tights, black tights, low rise Lucky Brand jeans, a red button up long sleeve, a paperback, my diary, laptop, hard drive, camcorder, film camera, cords & cables & headphones & microphones, deodorant, toothbrush, contacts, glasses, cigarettes, chapstick, wallet, keys, lash curler, blush, powder, mascara, highlight and four types of lip products.
Sitting at the very back table in Silk City, the venue Riley is singing at tonight. Listening to her do sound check while I work on my laptop & watch everyone run around to get the bar prepared for the show. I love her sweet voice. It makes me involuntarily sway my head to the beat. The sound check man is gorg. Tall & patchwork tattoos & all that. Typical. Not to brag but we did make prolonged eye contact, so I think our wedding may be next.
Next morning. Sitting with my knees pulled up to my chest at Riley’s dining table, finally doing the editing I’ve been putting off. I ideally wanted to start editing a few hours ago, but I instead procrastinated taking action by: clearing the sink of our last nights dishes, petting her kitties for a prolonged period of time, brushing my teeth & brushing them again because it didn’t feel right the first time, washing my bangs in the sink, washing my face, washing my face again because it didn’t feel right the first time. Feel so dry & dehydrated. Nursing a double shot of espresso. I’m sure that’ll help. Riley and her boyfriend are still fast asleep. Riley’s home is gorgeous. Very Americana. Very suburban paradise. Big windows all around me with the sun just perfectly hitting the back of my neck and I feel all warm and comfortable and content. Wonderful. This is so wonderful. Going to now swallow my vitamins and continue to edit my footage. Wonderful day ahead of me.
At a rock climbing gym with Riley, her boyfriend, and her little brother. Her little brother has been making small talk with me about the home renovations he is currently undertaking, because he is a twenty year old homeowner. Like okay, gun to my forehead please. Climbed all of the v0s and the v1s aka the beginner walls before I took one too many tumbles, and am now couch-locked, typing away on my phone with my chalky fingers dusting my screen in a grimy coating. Keep quoting the: I said no matter how bad it got I wouldn’t get on that damn wall meme. Repeated it too many times in person and then subsequently too many times on my Close Friend’s story. The bit is over Diana!
Everyone at this rock climbing gym is nerdy and gender neutral presenting. Sweet vibe.
Sitting at Chili’s post rock climbing endeavor. We paid the bill and boxed up our leftovers but are still sitting at the restaurant chatting away. I can’t focus on their conversations because all I can think about is how I want to go home and binge eat my leftovers sitting right in front of me. Thinking about how I wish I had taken one last bite before boxing up my food. Thinking: how do they have the self restraint to sit here so relaxed, surrounded by all this temptation?
Binge ate the rest of my leftovers the second we got home, just like I wanted to, despite being horribly full. Then Riley wanted to make cookies so I binge ate those too. Feeling gargantuan.
Also feeling: laconic. Don’t have much I want to take note of from being here in Philly, yet I am really enjoying myself. Annoyed that I don’t feel like writing much. Or filming. But I feel so content. Feel present. I love hanging out with Riley because I can be laconic & we can sit in silence and it doesn’t have a twinge of strangeness to it.
Next day. Sitting on a bench in the one degree weather, waiting for the trolley to arrive, so that I can leave Riley’s neighborhood and take myself home, sweet home. I’m fucking freezing. Sitting on this bench shaking like a dog. The trolley should be here in three minutes, my hands are purple.
Fuck ass trolley was six minutes late. Six minutes of FROSTBITE. No, it’s fine. Trolley conductor was so kind, so whatever. Wow, holy shit. My fingers are purple and bruised. Wow. Could not do anything but sit there with my hands in my pockets cursing at everyone and everything. Can’t believe my hometown friends are in bikinis right now and I am catching frostbite.
Nervous that I forgot something at Riley’s house. Phone, wallet, keys, cameras, diary. Phone, wallet, keys, cameras, diary. Okay I have all of these. Everything else will be a manageable grievance.
Okay my fingers feel better now. They’re slowly but surely returning to a fleshy pink. Grievances are dissipating. Back to feeling very good. Needed the shock probably. Going to pretend that what I just experienced was the equivalent to a morning ice plunge.
Monday
Sitting in Boy Roommate’s room because I am in the mood to hang out with his kitty. If he won’t come to me, I’ll come to him. We’re sitting on opposite ends of the bed, curiously eyeing one another down. If I make any sudden movements, he will dart away and hide in the closet so I am frozen in a fixed position, slow blinking at him into oblivion to earn his trust.
On my way home from performing Anonymous Tasks at an Anonymous Location, only to discover that my train home is currently inoperable. Witnessed an MTA employee attempting to calm an angry man, the mans bitter face corrugated with stress lines over the inconvenience. The MTA employee told him, “Man, someone got hit by a train at Myrtle Wyckoff again, so it’s gonna take em like, a half hour to get that shit cleaned up.” That shit. The person who got hit. Jeez. Well, okay.
Okay so no trains to get home. What to do… what to do... I could wait here for the thirty minutes of them getting that shit cleaned up to conclude, or I could run an errand to pass the time.
Think I will run an errand to pass the time. Thinking Trader Joes. Yes. I very desperately want to meander in a grocery store. My life’s passion maybe. Loitering in grocery stores.
Standing in line at the Trader Joe’s in Union Square now. The line is wrapping and weaving down every aisle of the entire store. Purchasing an assortment of random but absolutely necessary items. Nothing I purchased will feel necessary once I get home, but in this very moment it feels absolutely imperative that I purchase a Japanese sweet potato and a bag of gala apples and grapefruit lemon scented hand sanitizer & a container of vitamin c capsules and a hyaluronic acid face mask, and a package of uncured bacon, and a dozen eggs, and also baking powder for the banana bread that I plan on making tomorrow evening. Yes all of these items are absolutely vital towards my survival.
They got that shit cleaned up, and now I am on my very delayed train home. The train keeps starting and stopping and starting and stopping and slowly squeaking along the route. Everyone in this car is pissed and low vibrational. Not me! I’m feeling indulgent. Kinda ready to have a week of indulgences.
I accidentally purchased fully cooked bacon at Trader Joe’s, and now am aggravated because I’m going to accidentally consume the entire box in a sitting, or something like that. If I had purchased raw bacon, I’d be able to have the restraint to nurse the strips throughout the week, because I desire not having to do my dishes more than I desire consuming strips of bacon.
Laid in bed and pressed play on the season one finale of Dawson’s Creek and ate half my pack of precooked bacon, yes I did, of course I did. Kept getting up out of bed, taking a strip, getting into bed, getting back up for another strip, and now half the package is currently swirling around in my stomach.
Tuesday
Brushing my hair and digging the bristles into my scalp as a faux massage of sorts. Purchased this cheap plasticky purple hair brush in middle school and have been abusing my scalp with it since. Emotionally attached to this dingy hairbrush. It’s been with me through blue & purple & pink & brown & black & accidental orange & purposeful red & a bob & bangs.
Bought my mother a new hairbrush a few Christmas’s ago, because she has been using hers for as long as she can remember as well. The handle of hers is missing. And the little bulbous ends of the bristles are missing as well. When she opened the gift she feigned delight, said thank you, and politely has not touched it since. Like, fair. Now here I am repeating the cycle. Ex Boyfriends mom gifted me a nice hairbrush a few Christmas’s ago and it sits collecting dust in a drawer, wedged between bottles of contact solution & vials of hair oil.
12:46 Just spent the past twenty minutes scrubbing blood stains out of my mattress. I was being lazy and free bleeding like God intended me to, but now I’ve just made a mess of things. Oops. Don’t think God intended for me to take it this far.
God, World, Universe, it, it’s all the same to me. Semantics.
Washed my face & brushed my teeth & am now patting Glycolic Acid 7% toner from The Ordinary onto my cheeks. Attempting to combat the dull skin staring back at me in the mirror. Need my outsides to match my insides because I am currently in good spirits but feeling brittle, like if you poked me in the cheek hard enough, the flesh would crack off into a million porcelain-like shards. Need to chug an infinite supply of water and moisturize myself head to toe. Experiencing a bad breakout of acne around my jaw for whatever reason, but also a fabulous bang day, so I will take the wins as they come.
Massaging La Roche-Posay moisturizer into my skin & Aquaphor onto my lips. Typing and pacing around my kitchen. Clearing the sink of yesterday’s toppling pile of cups & glasses & rewatching Thelma and Louise because I didn’t pay enough attention the first time I watched it. WOW. Score. Perfect movie alert. I am a huge fan of what is on my laptop screen right now.
Stopped by the thrift store in my neighborhood to hunt for kitchenware. My kitchen feels rather lackluster & I’d like to spruce it up soon. Get new mugs & dishes & cups & silverware. Stock the pantry and fridge with my favorite things. It’s just so empty & pitiful looking.
Nothing at the lackluster thrift. A man was doing an instagram livestream with a full ring light & tripod set up so I walked in, lasted thirty seconds of being in the background of whatever the hell that was, and walked back out. Strange. Very strange vibes in the thrift.
Baking a loaf of banana bread today, half for video-ing purposes, half for indulgence purposes. My banana bread looks so beautiful. Filming is going smoothly. Spirits are high. Typing this as my bread is in the oven. Happy, happy, happy. Watching more Thelma and Louise as I do my dishes and wipe down the counters and my banana bread bakes away.
Trying to finish making this fuck ass banana bread before Boy Roommates come home, because I’m feeling shy again. Oscillating between gabbing 24/7 with them and feeling VERY SHY. Being a very annoying person when I do this. I don’t know why I do this.
Boy Roommates are home now and my banana bread is still virtually raw. Put my camera away. Oh well.
Twenty minutes have passed and I am now making Boy Roommates try my bread for ego validation purposes. Lots of mmmm’s and wowwws are being uttered, so I feel pretty great about the whole thing. Made Encouraged them take more & more pieces to feed both their stomachs and my self-esteem. Mutually beneficial experience for the three of us. It is 5:53 pm and I am feeling satiated off of bread and compliments.
Wednesday
Good morning world. My third act of the day, following first, opening my eyes and second, shoving my contacts into the sockets, was bodying an inappropriate amount of banana bread. It tastes too good to be true.
Typing this while sitting on my train into the city to perform Anonymous Tasks at an Anonymous Location. Texted my dad to “call me!” so waiting for that. Anxiously waiting…. waiting to gab & gossip with my father.
Exchanged I love you’s & I miss you’s and plans to hopefully see one another in April, since he travels for work purposes & I travel for hedonism purposes.
Life Events that have occurred since finishing up my Anonymous Tasks at an Anonymous Location.
Received a HORRIBLE Breaking News notification on my phone that James Van Der Beek from Dawson’s Creek has passed away. NO! No. no. no. Sad. Parasocially sad. Sad, sad, sad.
Called Future Girl Roommate with more bad news that: our rent is being raised a hundred bucks each. UGH. Manageable, but still annoying. Can’t stay annoyed for very long because I am just so excited for her to move in. For my life to begin again!
In the mood to see a friend tonight. Contemplating who I should text. As I was about to hit send on a proposition in my group chat, Ruby’s close friend Amelie has just texted me out of the blue. What are the odds of this? Kismet! “hiii, how are you❤️” she said. I responded that I am feeling tumultuous and sitting at a cafe, pretending to work on my laptop. She responded that she is also: feeling tumultuous and sitting at a cafe, pretending to do work on her laptop. “Should we hang out tonight?” I texted her. “I think we should.” She responded.
Walked to the train but it was down, as per usual. This train is always down. It is everyone’s collectively least favorite train, and yet vital to my New York existence. I then decided to walk to the post office to pass the time, but the shipping label printer was down, as per usual. Okay.
Just had a perfect night with Amelie at My Favorite Bar in My Favorite Neighborhood. My favorite bar has free hotdogs and free popcorn and free drinks every other drink and it is my absolute utopia. I don’t bring people here often because no-one ever eats a second hotdog to be polite, but I would like to indulge in like, minimum three. Favorite bar is typically a solo mission. Amelie did not consume a hot dog but we did nurse ‘gansett after ‘gansett and gab about our respective reasonings for tumultuousness.
Amelie is kinda amazing. She has such soft and pretty features. Her face reminds me of an Ana Weyant painting. She’s a creative writing student and is maybe convincing me to join her. Maybe. Undergrad was a very inconsequential and unmemorable experience for me. I wasn’t very active at my college, which would’ve made all the difference. I skipped lectures as often as I could get away with. I didn’t care very much. I went to school on a full-ride, so the whole experience just felt very inconsequential to me. If I do a bad job here it’s like, no harm, no foul. So I did a bad job. Not bad just, painfully average. Flew very under the radar.
Amelie’s proposition intrigued me indeed. Well, it wasn’t a proposition, but her idea. Of me pursuing my master’s. She praised her school and the impact that it has had on her as a person. The community, the professors, the environment. I would love to go back to school, I think. I’m finally itching to learn.
We traded phones to play Hinge on each others accounts, doubled over in laughter at our actions. She bantered with *****, who she vaguely knows through shared mutual friends. Small world. Texting ***** is hard. He’s a bad text-er. I am arguably worse. I take much too long to respond and then the response in question is a two word nothing reply. Well, I thought that he was a bad text-er, but watching Amelie take over just made me feel stupid & a twinge of jealousy & then extra stupid for feeling jealousy over HINGE TEXTING. They rapid fired messages back and forth on my phone and I peered over her shoulder to observe in awe. Taking lots of mental notes. Okay so he’s clearly not a bad text-er. I am the problem here. I don’t know how to banter! I don’t know how to flirt! I was floored watching her shoot out quips so effortlessly. I would’ve never thought of any of those! She kinda blew my mind & I then had the ridiculous thought process of “Maybe I really should go back to school so that I can learn how to flirt like this!” FRIED THOUGHT PROCESS.
Thursday
This morning I woke up & placed an amazon order for:
A bulk pack of 12x15 poly mailers for Depop-ing related purposes
Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin because I’ve started a tradition of picking a paperback when I place my infrequent Amazon orders because it brings me a small bit of joy & satisfaction
A 16 count of apple flavored kombucha packets that I’ve never tried before but it just sounded nice.
A new set of twin sheets for my bed because mine are kinda gross and Future Girl Roommate will be taking my bed, so she should probably not be subjected to gross sheets.
A clear phone case because I have since outgrown my deer & heart design Wildflower one that makes me feel like an adult toddler.
An empty glass perfume bottle to put my perfume in
Unscented deodorant
Neutrogena tinted moisturizer
These items will be in my possession in five days maybe sooner, and my life will be fully on track again in five days maybe sooner.
I want more but I can’t think of what else I could want. Will place this order and then revisit within the next 24 hours if I decide on else.
Currently sitting in an empty train car, heading towards the East Village. No particular reason for this excursion, just free time & free will.
The train picked up a few more passengers at the next stop and there is now a man seated directly next to me, despite the train car still being virtually empty. He seems harmless, but like why.
Before this, I dropped off my packages at the post office, brushed mascara onto my lashes, swallowed an ACV Shot, scrubbed myself clean head to toe in the shower, double brushed my teeth, and then gulped down a day old Pret coffee that was sitting in my fridge. And then brushed my teeth again.
Drinking an iced green tea at Pret that just kinda tastes like a whisper of a tea. It looks like a large glass of ice water with a squeeze of lime juice. Tastes like nothing. Bitches. Whatever. To be fair I do probably need a large glass of ice water, because I am still feeling very dehydrated for whatever reason, so I guess that this was meant to be. Kismet.
Purchased a salmon bagel at Apollo Bagel’s earlier in the day that I am now polishing off while sitting in the Pret A Manger, because I am absolutely ravenous. This act feels like a huge faux pas, but my leftovers are taunting me, as they like to do. I do not have self restraint. Stuffing loose capers into my mouth and might as well be licking the takeout box clean. Embarrassing. Think I want to peruse Trader Joe’s now to acquire a big ole bottle of green juice and loiter down every aisle.
Mila texted in the group chat requesting, “Moves tn?”
I think it is time… think it is time for me to be an active participate in my friendships again…. Ugh. I do want to, I do. I miss them. I like being in my little self-isolation pit, but if I keep this up, it’ll probably only do more harm than good.
It’s hard to be so loved, isn’t it. Woe is me! Woe is me. I’m overwhelmed from all the love and friendship and plans and joy! How can I enjoy my peace and solitude when I have constant moves that need tending to?
8 pm. Agreed to meet up with Mila & Ellis at the dive bar in my neighborhood. When we hang out, we are typically almost always out in their neighborhood. This felt like an intentional choice on their end. They want my presence enough to even commute towards me! Okay, I’m touched.
Walked over to the bar and ordered myself a pint of ‘gansett & the slice of pizza that comes with every beer. New York is heaven on earth, maybe.
Ellis arrived and is in chipper spirits. He is up for a promotion at his job & will find out on Tuesday. Amazing! He walked into the bar yielding a sweet toothy smile and a comically large camcorder for a project that he’s currently working on. Mila is fashionably late and also grinning a sweet smile ear to ear. Her joyous disposition is a result of: locking in on bae. AKA getting a boyfriend. AMAZING! I am grinning ear to ear because: I have a new Anonymous Location to be Performing Anonymous Tasks at. AMAZINGGGGG.
High-vibrational night indeed. Feeling excited and hopeful and staring back at two equally excited and hopeful faces, that I think I might love. Think we’re finally there. The L-word. I think I might L-word them. Feels right. Okay fine, I’ll say it. I love them! I love these excited, sweet, hopeful, faces.
The clouds are finally parting this week & looove is in the air.
Friday
Woke up excited! Ready to have a fabulous day. The plan is to hang out with Amelieee a-a-a-gain. I typed it like that because that is how I said that sentence in my head. Amelieeee a-a-a-gain. Turning my sentences into jingles when I am in good spirits is kinda my vibe. On a Diana’s about to have a great d-d-d-dayyyy vibe.
I don’t yet have it in me to will myself outside of the apartment for a coffee, but my apartment is virtually devoid of caffeine. Need caffeine. For now have settled on consuming: two cups of green tea, a mug filled to the brim with green juice, a large shot of ACV, a large mason jar of water, 1 vitamin C capsule, 1 multivitamin, 2 maca vitamins, and an ibuprofen. This combination will probably be the equivalent to one cup of coffee. I hope.
Brushing my teeth and making buttered toast in the oven. Polished off the remnants of the green juice that I procured at Trader Joe’s, which will now be added to my continuous grocery roster, because it made me very happy to consume.
My continuous grocery rotation that I don’t typically stray from:
Sourdough Bread
Nutritional Yeast
Cottage Cheese
Eggs
Peanut Butter
Assorted seeds. Chia. Flax. Hemp.
Bottles of ACV
Bottles of Kombucha
Tinned fish. Sardines. Tuna. Salmon. Not opposed to Mackerel or Squid.
Bulk packs of gum. Preferably fruit flavored but not opposed to Everything Else.
Rice Cakes
Bagged Apples
Pitted Dates
JUNK. Lots & lots of unnecessary junk. I love to survive off of junk and pb&j's and tinned fish and multivitamins and Hopes and Dreams
Hanging out with Amelie feels so natural. Can sense that this new relationship will be an enriching addition to my life. Ruby was right when she said, “You would love Amelie!” I probably will L-word Amelie! Kismet. She keeps using that word when speaking to me & now I keep using that word when speaking to World. Kismet! Yes!
Amelie lives in a different part of Brooklyn from me, the kinda different part where the only way to get there is by trekking up into Manhattan and then back down into Brooklyn. We are essentially worlds apart by this notion.
It’s a beautiful New York day today. Forty eight degrees! Boy Roommate excitedly exclaimed the weather news to me this morning, and I couldn’t possibly believe him. Now I am venturing outside for the first time today, and it is indeed a gorgeous and cloudless forty eight degree day! It’s practically summer! I should be in a bikini! So soon. So soon I will be in a bikini lounging around in repose at like, Coney Island or something. Not exactly a Florida beach by any means, but I’ll take what I can get.
Going to stop at the Union Square Trader Joe’s to acquire some flowers for Amelie and maybe else. Not sure what else will be. I think I am developing a caffeine headache, but I can’t tell if it’s maybe just a regular headache, because I’ve consumed two cups of green tea. A duo of older men kindly held the train gate open for me today. We exchanged pleasantries & I expressed my gratitude. I think that these are different men from the ones that hold up the QR codes. I wonder where those men went.
I texted Amelie, delighted at the news of the summery weather and she responded that she is excited to bear witness to it, because she hasn’t yet left her apartment today. Maybe we can go on a walk later. I am craving a burger. A burger and a walk and time spent with a potential new friend. I wonder if I should’ve gotten ready. I didn’t think twice about what I threw on, but now I am wishing I put a tinge of effort into my appearance. Wearing: Black docs, my brown corduroy pants, & my oversized green knit sweater. Feeling: slovenly. Hair is tied back into a messy French. Face is bare & brittle. Wish my outsides matched my insides because I am kinda in a fabulous headspace. Head is filled with feelings of kismet & hedonism.
In the span of my train ride, a girl messaged me a complaint on Depop, but I did not want to deal with that, so I blocked her instead of responding. Oops. I was not lying about the being a bad person part. Only on Depop though! I swear! Swearing is a strong promise, but I think I’m alright. My morally grey areas are unleashed in small harmless bursts, like blocking girls on Depop. It’s like harm reduction. If I wasn’t a bitch on Depop, I might accidentally be a bitch to my friends or something. Sorry to the girl on Depop who bought a sweater from me that ended up being too small for her. Like, not really my problem. I didn’t make you buy it. She opened a dispute with Depop after I blocked her and Depop sided with me. Ha ha.
To be fair, the size was listed accurately and there was a photo of the size tag, she said it just felt like “it got shrunk in the wash.” I dunno. Maybe it did. It fit me fine and I am the size in question soooo maybe that is just your problem. Not my problem anymore. Well, sorry that happened but thank you for the added sixteen fifty to my bank account.
An adorable little girl in a lilac purple puffer and her balding father are sitting next to an asian teenage boy who is holding a scrappy looking dog in his lap that looks terrified as shit. Silent train car except for the little girls shrieks of delight at the sight of the creature. The dog owner is ignoring the little girl and her dad. Why would you willingly choose to sit next to a little girl with a creature in a frenzy, when there are other open seats on this train car. The seat next to me is empty. Why did he not sit next to me instead? Am I giving off low vibrational energy after typing out the Depop stuff? Anyways. The dog is whining and shaking. Pitiful little baby. He just jumped out of his owners lap and almost scrambled out of the train, but his owner caught his collar in the nick of time as the train doors were shutting. The doggy is whining and the little girl is shrieking and the owner is ignoring her and the train is lurching towards A-a-a-amelieeee.
Union Square pit stop to stop into Trader Joe’s. Just walked by Avery Ovard and she looked so cute!
What the hell. I should’ve said hi. What the hell. Wait. Should I turn around and go back? No, I look hideously brittle right now and we were both speed walking to our destinations. Wow. My New York life. Wanted to text one of my friends about this but I don’t think any of my friends would know who that is. No one in my life has much interest in internet culture, which is amazing for me because I can get away with posting pretty much whatever I want with minimal consequences. The only time something strange has happened so far is when Girl Coworker looked my name up on the schedule and then things got very strange very quickly.
Wish I could gab to someone that I just walked by the gorgeous Avery Ovard and made prolonged eye contact as my nose leaked onto my lips from the cold and her head of curls fabulously tousled in the wind. Will settle for gabbing into my notes app, as I do.
Wow! I should’ve said hi. Ugh. But my lips are chapped. How could I say hi to a Potential New Friend with chapped lips? I lead a life where everyone I encounter in the world is Potential New Friend material, until proven otherwise. A missed opportunity from chapped lips! Damn, okay. Well. Next time.
Voice Memo
ACCIDENTALLY WAS RUDE TO THE PRET BARISTA. Fuck. Can’t go back to this location. Why was I just a dick. Sometimes, I’m the problem. Normally, they hand me the coffee once they’re done making it, but this guy put it in the mobile order spot, so I just stood there and didn’t go grab it, ‘cause I placed the order in the store and there’s a long line of people and they kept handing the coffees to the other customers, so I just assumed that that wasn’t mine and that it was a mobile order. Finally, the line cleared and the guy behind me got his so I was like OK somethings awry here and then the guy was like “what are you waiting for”and I said “a small iced latte” and then he goes, “it’s literally right there” Pointing at the obvious like I have rocks in my brain. Squinted my eyes and pursed my lips and said nothing, grabbing it and leaving, stewing in shame & a poor temperament. Why did I do that? Why did I not just say thank you? Ew. Gross. I feel so gross. I’m voice memo-ing right now ‘cause my hands are full with coffee & iPhone, so I am unable to physically type. I’m walking down 14th street, walking towards the Trader Joe’s to get flowers for Amelie. Lots of people holding flowers today. I’m kinda sweating in my puffer, that’s how nice it is out today.
Voice memo-ing in public is not as fun right now, because I’m doing speech to text instead of a voice memo, so I’m talking in very languid, slow motion sentences to get the voice to text to process what I am saying. Speaking in a very robotic tone because I am being lazy and don’t want to have to transcribe a real voice memo later. It feels nice to observe all of these different types of people holding flowers. I just passed by a boy who couldn’t have been older than like, eighth grade holding a big bouquet of roses. How sweet. Everything feels so sweet today. Love is in the air, I suppose! OK I’m in front of the Trader Joe’s now.
Oops. Sorry! Haha. You’re Good.
Just did that thing where you side step to get out of someones way but they side step to get out of your way and now the two of you are just dancing in a grocery aisle. Tango’d with a cute nerdy looking boy my age wearing an NYU cap.
I feel like I should get her roses. That’s like, the classic thing to get. I don’t know. I don’t know yet. What kind of snacks would she like? I wanna get her something else too. Would she want a bottle of kombucha? I don’t know her well enough yet to know. OK, I just found $5.99 roses, we’re gonna do these. What color should I do? Red or pink? I’m gonna get a chip and then come back to that thought process. I’ve been walking in circles around this mini Trader Joe’s. It’s called a Trader Joe’s Pronto. Cute. It’s like a grab-and-go situation. I really don’t know what to get her, maybe like a chocolate? Should I do that? I’m being fat. I just want chips and chocolate for myself to be greedy under the feigned pretense of sharing. False altruism!
Okay, checking out now. Have acquired red roses and a bag of sugared rice cracker hearts, which I don’t really know what that entails but they’re festive & the packaging is cute. Yay!
Glad I get to be another person holding flowers & walking around Union Square today.
Sitting on what is hopefully my train. I’m not 100% sure. I scrambled onboard as soon as the doors shut and didn’t have time to think before I acted. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself when I act on impulse. On one of those older trains where there’s no signage telling you which train it is. Hopefully I am on the N train. Could be on like, anything else really.
It seems like I am on the wrong train. Whoops. Tracking my little dot on the screen and I just whizzed past where this train should’ve stopped. Well. Okay. Maybe I am on an express train? Unsure. Confused. Okay yes, I am in fact on the wrong train. Harmless mistake. Can get off on the next stop and easily course correct. Just added a few minutes is all . No harm in an extra few minutes for someone as patient and level headed as I. I’m taking the long way. Sang that line in the tune of Rhinestone Cowboy by Glen Campbell. Going to listen to that song on repeat in my headphones now.
A man has just tapped the shoulder of the man seated next to me, asking him, “Scuse me. Do you know how to get to Bowery from here?” Guy next to me replied. “Nah man, not yet.” Before shoving his headphones back in his ears. Okay so we’re all just a little confused. Transplants and tourists, yes we are. We’re all a little confused.
On a gorgeous train ride to get to Amelie’s. Love the above ground trains, they’re such a rare treat. I should’ve gotten her a better treat. I’m feeling insecure about these sugared rice cracker hearts. What the hell does that even mean. The ingredients are rice, sugar, soy sauce, honey, vegetable juice, maltodextrin, and tapioca starch. So I got her baby food. Okay. Also the flowers feel embarrassing now too. Feeling corny. Chewing the insides of my cheeks too hard and now my mouth is all metallically. Bleh.
Went to go listen to Rhinestone Cowboy again but pressed play on the Sword II album instead. Still not over this album. It is my biggest hyper fixation of 2026 so far. Posted it on my CF’s story and Jude & his best friend both slid up about how perfect this album is. IT’S PERFECT! PERFECT! PERFECT! Feels nice to have my music taste validated by dudes in a band. Yes I do love validation. My other friend from home slide up to tell me that the members of the band are close friends of hers. Of course they are. Small freaking world. The older I get, the more it’s like oh okay so everyone really does know everyone. I am a three degree separation from most people I admire now. I think. Everyone knows everyone! What’s that about?
How did this happen? When did this happen? I don’t want everyone to know everyone. Have to be on my best behavior with this newfound information.
Standing outside of Amelie’s brownstone now. She came outside to collect me and her jaw dropped at the sun beaming down on us. She looks so pretty in a full length black floral dress & full blush pink cheeks. She was very kind about the flowers and Sugared Rice Shits and my self consciousness immediately dissipated.
AMELIE’S APARTMENT IS A PRINCESS PALACE! A dream come true. This is magical. Floor to ceiling gorgeous arched windows. Light is flooding through the entire apartment. So much vintage charm and built in shelving and magical energy. With her consent, I snooped for an inappropriate length of time. Inspected the books on her shelf, her records & cd’s, her various tchotchke’s perfectly curated for her space. Her perfumes and fridge magnets. A pan on the stove, sticky with residue from a homemade coffee syrup she experimented making this morning.
We decided to go on a walk to soak in as much of the suns smooches as possible. So beautiful outside. Don’t even need my coat. We spent the walk over talking about how hopeful we feel. About how free we feel.
Stopped into a grocery story because Amelie wanted to grab seltzers. Hell yeah. I could be into that. An afternoon seltzer. Walked into the market and she placed a literal bottle of seltzer water into her basket. I thought we were talking about seltzer seltzers. Relayed this thought process to her and we doubled over in laughter, before purchasing seltzer seltzers as well.
Time felt frozen, loitering in that grocery store, meandering down every aisle, inspecting every item, but this time with a companion. Everything felt ridiculously hilarious. We wanted to purchase pretzels and it was the one item this grocery store didn’t seem to have. For whatever reason this was the funniest thing in the world to us and I was completely breathless with laughter.
Feeling rather annoyed that my perfect day is being overshadowed by my grievances about my dry hair and brittle skin and frumpy thoughtless outfit. Obviously I know that this does not matter and I am just being vapid to be vapid. And yet. I dunno. I thought we’d both be kinda low vibrational and sad today but we’re having the perfect day and laughing so hard and I wish I had dressed up to the occasion. I’m just so happy right now and I wish I looked the part on the outside as well.
Amelie & I’s grocery haul
A bottle of seltzer water
A six pack of margarita lime seltzers
A bottle of Synergy kombucha in the flavor Strawberry Serenity
A can of chicken barley soup
An alpine milk chocolate bar
A 3 pack of ferrero rocher hazelnut chocolates
We dropped the groceries off at her apartment and walked to Sunset Park. Walked by a sweet little girl skipping, with a sweet big smile on her face. I turned to Amelie and said, “That’s how this moment makes me feel right now.” She replied, “I want to be doing that in this moment too, but I can’t skip ‘cause I’d drop my kombucha. This is twenty-five. God. Can’t skip because I’d drop my kombucha.” More wheezing, breathless laughter.
Amazing vibes in this park. Smiles all around. A week of sunshine & smiles & big toothy grins it seems. Everyone I’ve encountered this week has had an amazingly high temperment, myself included. Must be all the love in the air and all the sunshine in the sky.
Feels so nice to do my typical tasks, but this time with a buddy. We are now back in her apartment, sitting across from one another, both typing away at our laptops with music faintly playing from the speakers. I don’t recognize what she is playing, but I am going to Shazam it. As I typed that out she said, “Oh I love this song! Do you recognize it?” Talk about freaking kismet!
“No!” I responded. “It’s I haven’t got anything better to do. It’s so lovely. It got me through my first unrequited love.” Added to my Spotify immediately.
I never loved him, he never reached me
He was just someone, someone I knew
I think about him on alternate Thursdays
When I haven’t got anything better to do
He’s got a problem if he thinks I need him
I couldn’t care less now that we’re through
I only sit home and wait for his phone call
When I haven’t got anything better to do
Wasn’t I awfully smart not to fall and break my heart?
And when he kissed me, he never moved me
Nothing fantastic, thrilling or new
So if I’m crying, I’m only crying
‘Cause I haven’t got anything better to do
The sun is finally dipping into the earth, dousing us in her final string of tender kisses. A soft orange glow is illuminating her living room.
This whole week has felt so indulgent. The most simple non-indulgent indulgences. Feeling hedonistic. This is my hedonistic life. Spending time with my friends. Making a new friend. Visiting an old friend. Lots of trips to the grocery store. Lots of trips to the post office. Lots of trips to the Pret A Manger. So simple but so rich.
I don’t know why I feel so affected by being in this space. In her living room. I think I am just currently in the exact right environment with the exact right person at the exact right moment in time and simple moments like this are the moments that shape my life. Sitting across from a girl I don’t know very well yet, but I can sense that I will know very well with time. Wordlessly typing away on our laptops, the sun casting welcoming shadows onto my hands as my fingers dart around my keyboard.
Things Amelie & I have done since finishing our laptop chores:
Got nervous that I was overstaying my welcome so I joked, “I’ll get out of your hair whenever!” And she exclaimed, “NO! Don’t leave! In fact, sleepover.” So now we are having a sleepover!
Binge watched: Mr. Beast videos in repose on her couch
Binge drank: lime seltzers and sips of a digestif
Binge ate: the stupid sugared rice cracker hearts
FaceTimed Ruby, attempting to convince her to come over & join in on the fun. The attempts were futile because she had a 5 am call time on a fashion shoot today. Knew this fact, but attempted to convince her regardless. Worth a shot!
Attempted to play the card game Bullshit which is not a two person game but it only made us double over in delight by playing our made up version
We crafted homemade bookmarks & hand sewed these cute little lavender scented sachets. Felt like I was doing such a good job at being a Real Girl in this moment. I felt so human crafting & sewing & playing cards.
Playing hinge on her phone and a guy commented on one of her selfies, “What the fuck?” So now we just keep saying “What the fuck?” at everything & dying of laughter.
Saturday
Sitting in a packed out subway car, on my way home from Amelie’s apartment. Sitting in my contacts that spent the night in my eyeballs because the sleepover was spontaneous & I was ill equipped for the spontaneity. Oops. Eyes are horribly dry but I feel warm all over. Chewing a stick of watermelon gum. Thinking about everything I want right now. Hungry. Hungry for everything. Feeling just a bit insatiable, I want it all! I want all of my loved ones in one room or even better in one body of water like an ocean or a lake or a creek with the sunshine dousing us in more smooches. I want a clean room and a stocked pantry and to feel cleansed of my sins. I want to not feel bad about sending that girl on Depop a too small sweater. I want to never make a mistake again. I want to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. I want stability, I want to be free. I want to travel, I want to plant permanent roots in New York. I want to keep redacted’s family in my life forever, I want to move on with my life forever. I want to be in Florida. I want to be in LA. I want to go abroad. I want to study abroad! I want to pursue my master’s. I want a re-do on my undergrad. I want to get a beer with *****. I want ***** to have a crush on me. I want to dance! I want to learn spanish. I want to hug my dad. I want to do a cartwheel. I want a ba-zillion dollars and to never again have to worry about how exactly I am going to acquire a ba-zillion dollars. I want to quit smoking cigarettes and biting my nails and pulling out my hair. I want, want, want!
Ohmygosh, I just swallowed an ACV shot that brought instant tears to my eyes. It’s never burned my throat that badly. Chugging sink water and pitying myself. Wow. Ow. Normally feels so nice and refreshing. That was a razor blade down my throat. What the hell just happened.
Making myself dinner now. Boiling quinoa, roasting veggies, and baking a Japanese sweet potato. Cracking open a tin of sardines. A full proper meal! So adult. Feels nice. Wish I had vlogged today. Wearing an ugly outfit and my face feels swollen and puffy and I feel nonverbal and my throat feels metallically so vlogging is out of the cards but like, I wish.
Put together a tote bag of Depop clothes to take to the post office tomorrow and a tote bag of laundry to take to the laundromat tonight. Bleh. It’s time. I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to, but I must! I should be laying in repose in bed watching Dawsons Creek but laundry must be done and packages must be shipped and a real proper dinner must be consumed and then I need to fold my laundry and do my dishes and take a long long shower and I really just don’t want to do any of these things right now. And yet. I must.
Throwing my puffer on over my ratty T-shirt of my friends band I have on with my navy sweats, and slipping my feet into my beat up ballet flats.
My comforter desperately needs to be washed but that sounds like an inconceivable offense of a chore, so I think I am going to put it off for another week. Again. Yes I think that this is exactly what I will do.
Wish the post office was open to ship out my packages, but alas it is too late in the evening. Depop orders will go out a day late. Alas.
All the damn washers are taken at the laundromat. So now I stand here and wait for one to become available. Gross. A washer is finally available but this rude bitch just cut in front of me to take it. She has like 3 seperate cycles going and an overflowing cart full of like, a months worth of laundry. Contemplating if I should just leave and come back tomorrow. Oh a sweet looking old man is moving his laundry now. My time to shine!
OMG. Today I love my life. All week I’ve been kinda loving my life. What a nice week to be me. Aforementioned rude bitch tried taking the next available washer! My washer! The old man finished unloading his clothes & before I could put my clothes in she shoved her cart of never-ending laundry in front of the machine to block anyone from using it. The owner of the laundromat, a short Hispanic lady with frosty white eyeshadow and frosty glossed lips snapped, “Nuh-uh. It’s this young ladies turn. You have three washers going right now. Nope.” AMAZING. Wow. How nice. Put my things in my washer with glee, ignoring the glares being shot to the back of my head.
Texting Amelie while my clothes are in the wash. Her dad is in town for a few days to help her ex boyfriend move out of her apartment. Gossiping about redacted events occurring in tandem in both of our lives. We keep trading stories back and forth and shrieking in disbelief that they’re the same story! I have not laughed this hard with another person in ages. Amazing! Amazing new situation I’ve found myself in! So much new this week! New experiences! New job! New friend! New, new, new!
Amelie texted me that she hopes I am having a beautiful night and that ***** texts me. ***** and her are mutuals because it’s a small world and we schemed a teeny teeny bit and she posted me on her Instagram story so that ***** could see how awesome I am and maybe text me. We’re being girls. Doing girl things! Scheming for a text from a cute boy! I love my life this week!
My laundry is still cycling and I am feeling irate. I want to switch my clothes to the dryer so that I can go home and eat my fully prepared dinner that is waiting for me and going cold. Plated everything nicely and set it on my desk and brewed a cup of tea and filled up a glass of water and now my perfect adult dinner is just waiting for me at home, but I am standing in this stupid laundromat instead, waiting for my clothes to be done. So excited to try this Japanese sweet potato. Dressed it in too much butter and too much chili oil and a smidge of tahini and salt and pepper and nutritional yeast. Oh my god I am so hungry and that sounds so good but it won’t be as good if I have to stand here any longer!!!!! Why has time stopped in this liminal space of the laundromat. Licking my lips & stomach is growling. Irate. Feeling very irate. Just hangry. Hangry and sad that my sweet potato will be tepid.
Original plan for the night was to fold my laundry & do my dishes & take a long, long, shower and put myself to bed early, and be a Real Adult. This will have to be pushed to the AM because Mila just texted me “Come to the showwwww.” I totally forgot that there is a show tonight that I should be in attendance at. Wait, I kinda want to. I look like a slob right now in my sweats and band t-shirt and overall air of dirty-ness, but I kinda wanna get dolled up and go to the showwwww.
Yes. This feels right. I feel ready to live my life again. Do everything again. I stopped living my life for like three weeks straight and said no to everything but now I am ready to start saying yes to everything, whether I want to or not. The quality of my life significantly improves when I say yes to everything, whether I want to or not.
Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised by the things I think I do not want to do, sometimes it is exactly as I had expected.
My clothes are still spinning round and round in the wash but after this task I am going to take myself home, eat my adult dinner, swallow a double shot of espresso, get beautiful, and go to the showwwww with Mila, Lyn, & Ellis. Yes, yes I am. I am going to live tonight, tomorrow, and always! Wonder what might be in store for me at the showwwww.
Clothes are officially in the dryer. Starving. Need to quickly get ready for the showwww, the show, the show, the show. I want to look very very pretty tonight and flirt the night away! This is my plan. I want to be beautiful & to flirt!
DINNER TIME. FINALLY. This is amazing. Everything is cold but I do not care this is the best thing I have consumed, maybe ever. I did an amazing job. I am so happy. Wow. Veggies, finally! Sardines always! A lukewarm cup of tea, always! Sweet potato is kinda strange, but I’m into it. I don’t hate it. I probably wouldn’t repurchase, but it will all be consumed with immense delight.
Feeling very good about my life’s decisions as I gorge away.
Feel kinda pretty but kinda bloated and my sweet potato gut is ruining my outfit. Wearing an unwashed low rise floral skirt from the goodwill, a black sheer top with a black bralette underneath, and nothing else. No tights, no layers, nothin’! Bracing the cold with just this and my fuggo puffer throw over top. Speed walking to my train now. Don’t love what I saw in the mirror because what I saw in the mirror is me at my best and it wasn’t good enough for my liking. That made me sad to type out. Normally I really like what I’m seeing, think I just need to look in a different mirror maybe.
Had a beautiful night playing with my friends and their friends and friends of the World really, and now am running home because it is snowing!!!! It is snowing and I am in a weather inappropriate skirt and tank top combo with only my little puffer to keep me warm. What a life!
Made an absolute mountain of a mess on my bed trying to pick out aforementioned outfit and want to sweep it all off to the floor to deal with in the AM, because I am so sleepy and want to play on my phone and not wash my face and not change out of my weather inappropriate outfit and just curl up in bed. But I am now going to put my laundry away and wash my face and drink a glass of water and set myself up to have a good day and lull myself into a deep slumber. I am going to do it! I am, I am, I absolutely am. Feeling excited.
Such a great read! Your style of writing is so distinct, I feel like I relate to you astronomically
Your writing is so inspiring, it brings me so much joy